rickr10

Enjoyed it

I'll have to get a job first.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum Cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, So I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, So I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .. ”Bugger that” says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go Blind?"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
Biggest p* nis She had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the Foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table When she suddenly Got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe On an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people
In the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be Following Some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday But it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their Picks nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely Service.

Retired at 54 spend my days either out on the bike, doing a bit of boring gardening and air rifle Field Target shooting. If the weathers cold and wet I turn the heating up and fire the old xbox up.

Had a run up to Pateley Bridge today for a pie from Kendalls Butchers. The weather was brilliant, quick 175 miles round trip on some really nice, quiet biking roads plus a bit of Motorway home. Really impressed with the repairs they have done for the Le Tour, must be some of the best roads in the country at the moment.

I do feel grateful to all you tax paying workers stuck in offices and factories on days like today paying for my petrol to go out and enjoy myself.

Mate of mine is going through it, after his chemo his is totally knackered and his recovery time is getting longer and longer. He can't even throw his leg over his bike at the moment, because he has lost loads of weight and muscle mass taking the dog for a short walk sends him to bed to recover.

On the plus side he has been clear for the past 12 months.

I find it a bit odd that its being reported on the BBC, but ebay haven't bothered sending a message to all its users suggesting the same.

A blonde woman gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

On her first day at school, she notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says..

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f****** goal keeper!!!"

Sat watching the NW200 live at moment finding it difficult to drag myself away from the box to get the bike out.

Me hopefully, took the wife out yesterday had run to the Café in the Wood at Fimber then onto Pickering Railway Station for some grub, Helmsley, York and home.
Nice weather and quiet road roads what more can you ask for the perks of being unemployable.

Thanks, record set.

My first road legal bike was an ex GPO Bantam 125 that looked this.

http://postalheritage.org.uk/uploads/OB1994_133_Bantam_125_3_L_0.jpg

Even though their coffee is shite and its a long way off, if the weather is right and I don't have anything else more pressing I will try and make one. At least you are setting off at a reasonable time use retired old farts need our beauty sleep.

I have a little Satnav

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav

I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones

My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions

Especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says

"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counseling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then

I could simply turn it off!

Quick Hello, been biking for some 45 years, now retired and enjoying it. Just got rid of my old BMW K1200GT (flat four) and bought a Honda CBF1000GT. I used to ride 24/7, but these days I only venture out when the roads are dry and the weather nice.