I've never felt too comfortable with requesting prayer on an Internet forum. You see so many hurting people pour out their hearts, desperate to hear from God, and sometimes they leave even more despondent-- feeling that God isn't listening or worse...He doesn't care. And I haven't decided whether I'm coming for prayer or releasing pent-up frustration; though, believe me, I need the prayer. Let me tell you what's bothering me and you can pray accordingly or just listen. In another forum on these boards, I posted about having a reoccurring dream. A dream about being a protector. I appreciate the heartfelt replies I've received, and again I say thank you. But here's the problem: I feel directionless in my life. The frustration is building within me over this. Yes, I have prayed about it, but The LORD remains silent. His silence in these times is very damning. Let me explain further, sometime ago I wanted to join the Army. I had a number of motives for doing so, some honorable and some selfish. I built an elaborate plan for my life and it seemed airtight: nursing school, the Army, then finish it off by becoming an author. I cherished those plans, but they became an idol in my life. You see, my relationship with God has always been "on and off". Yes, I am familiar with the passage in the Book of James that mentions how the double-minded man will come to ruin (paraphrased). What I've discovered is that human beings are meant to worship God and when they do NOT worship God they find a substitute; this is what happened with me. God brought this to my attention and it grabbed me. I wanted to repent of my sin and foolishness, and I hope that I have. However...I feel without direction now. The Army was a means to be who I always felt that I was all along: A protector and defender of human life. I'm sorry, but nursing will not meet that need and merely writing about heroes feels shallow. I don't know if God creates people do accomplish certain roles, but I've always felt a strong talent about writing and about protecting the little guy. And understand this, ladies, I'm scared to ask God for His will because I feel He's going to ask me to be something I'm not. I know some of you will state, "Tough luck, now buck up and accept it", though you won't be as harsh, your words will never-the-less echo that sentiment. I want to love God and do good for Him, as much as it would be for others and myself. I wish I could retreat to a secret place and converse with Jesus. Tell Him how I feel and what I hope for. And have Him talk with me as well. A conversation, not a waiting game where feelings and thoughts may or may not be from God. Not a time of isolation and confusion, wondering just when God will show up. Me and Him, like old friends, talking it out. Trust being established. Friendship and bonds growing stronger. I'm sorry, but I am not in a good place to be told to wait it out. My patience feels exhausted. Ladies, I don't want to walk away from God feeling despondent. I'm asking you to pray for me. Thanks.
Ladies, I sincerely thank you for your replies. Regarding the Army, I don't think any sane person has a desire to be smack-dab in the middle of a war (Iraq/Afghanistan), but for some reason I feel that I belong with those men in the thick of battle; watching out for their safety as their medic. I know we can't always go by our feelings, i.e., "It just feels right", but it seemed like everything came perfectly together for this to happen. And as for a feeling of peace? Well, believe me I had that feeling, or at least, I never felt like this was the wrong course for my life. When I allowed it to become an idol, then I lost that feeling of peace. Now, I'm unsure if God will still bless this course of action or if He will happen to say "No". Regardless, I thank you both again for your time and kind words. May God richly bless you for this. Joshua.