I want the Lord to take me home cause I can't bare the physical suffering anymore. And then I think of my kids and try to hold on. Yet, I'm grumpy, angry, sad, a real mess and no help to my husband, so I think it would be better for my kids not to see me like this. Doctor says I'm dealing with post traumatic stress from all the physical sicknesses and the terror from the pain levels I'm dealing with. I can't take it anymore. I used to be an equal partner to my husband, now I feel like a terror victim. 4 years ago I finally gave birth to my first biological child. I have 2 step children too. It felt like a battle was won after 20 years of wanting a child when I kept miscarrying. 10 months after the birth, I woke up one morning and could not move my back - the pain horrific. After many different doctors, MRIs, etc. they put me in fibromyalgia category -which I didn't agree with and no treatment works. I can't do dishes, swim, look behind me, or take walks anymore. Then, they found cysts on ovaries as my hormones became out of control. Doctors gave me a drug (3 month injection) called Lupron which put me in medical menopause. I was told I would have hot flashes for a while but without estrogen the cysts would shrink to nothing. One year later,,, many ER trips, doctors can't figure out my reaction to the drug: liquid pain in my veins rendering me unable to walk most days, veins bursting, swelling, 2 lesions on my brain, open wounds in my vagina, urethritis, bladder inflammation and UTIs, bacterial vaginosis constantly cause vaginal ph off, neuropathy in legs and arms like on fire, no depth perception without dizziness. They tried me on estrogen creams and the pain that entered my body was so outstanding that I'd pass out - like it was liquid pain all over my body. I just had a UTI that took 5 antibiotics to knock it out and the inflammation was so painful that now I'm taking an antihistamine to try to reduce swelling and I'm in so much pain that I can't stand it. Heart palpitations now and high blood pressure from pain. Still, the urethral pain/bladder pain is unbearable. The spasms horrific. The open wounds in vaginal wall cause me much distress. My body is in a state of chemical imbalance but the doctors just say that Lupron is not supposed to do any of this. And all this on top of "fibromyalgia" so they say - yet none of their meds work for it. Now my tendons are stiff and I've lost partial function of my right forearm and right thumb. This is just a small list of physical ailments I'm enduring. I can't take it anymore. Doctors offer no hope. No one knows how to treat me or even what is wrong with me. I cry all the time. I don't want my kids to see me like this. They need a mom and I can barely function.
I want the Lord to take me home cause I can't bare the physical suffering anymore. And then I think of my kids and try to hold on. Yet, I'm grumpy, angry, sad, a real mess and no help to my husband, so I think it would be better for my kids not to see me like this. Doctor says I'm dealing with post traumatic stress from all the physical sicknesses and the terror from the pain levels I'm dealing with. I can't take it anymore. I used to be an equal partner to my husband, now I feel like a terror victim. 4 years ago I finally gave birth to my first biological child. I have 2 step children too. It felt like a battle was won after 20 years of wanting a child when I kept miscarrying. 10 months after the birth, I woke up one morning and could not move my back - the pain horrific. After many different doctors, MRIs, etc. they put me in fibromyalgia category -which I didn't agree with and no treatment works. I can't do dishes, swim, look behind me, or take walks anymore. Then, they found cysts on ovaries as my hormones became out of control. Doctors gave me a drug (3 month injection) called Lupron which put me in medical menopause. I was told I would have hot flashes for a while but without estrogen the cysts would shrink to nothing. One year later,,, many ER trips, doctors can't figure out my reaction to the drug: liquid pain in my veins rendering me unable to walk most days, veins bursting, swelling, 2 lesions on my brain, open wounds in my vagina, urethritis, bladder inflammation and UTIs, bacterial vaginosis constantly cause vaginal ph off, neuropathy in legs and arms like on fire, no depth perception without dizziness. They tried me on estrogen creams and the pain that entered my body was so outstanding that I'd pass out - like it was liquid pain all over my body. I just had a UTI that took 5 antibiotics to knock it out and the inflammation was so painful that now I'm taking an antihistamine to try to reduce swelling and I'm in so much pain that I can't stand it. Heart palpitations now and high blood pressure from pain. Still, the urethral pain/bladder pain is unbearable. The spasms horrific. The open wounds in vaginal wall cause me much distress. My body is in a state of chemical imbalance but the doctors just say that Lupron is not supposed to do any of this. And all this on top of "fibromyalgia" so they say - yet none of their meds work for it. Now my tendons are stiff and I've lost partial function of my right forearm and right thumb. This is just a small list of physical ailments I'm enduring. I can't take it anymore. Doctors offer no hope. No one knows how to treat me or even what is wrong with me. I cry all the time. I don't want my kids to see me like this. They need a mom and I can barely function.
What a thoughtful prose, truly inspired by the Lord. Thank you for the hope it has instilled and the thought of rest, relax, and trust His process in our lives.