Vile

Hi! I'm an old member, but I'm going to a discipleship program at my Church to sharpen my gifts. I have a lot of dreams, so I'm coming back here as a suppliment to my Biblical studies.

Please. Thank You.

Okay, I'm wondering something now, but I don't want to fall into the same trap as I did before hand. I never got that one vision I had of a friend of mine answered. Guy is unsaved right now, but I've been given visions after this that the guy is going to get saved. Another friend of mine who prayed for her husband told her that she would witness her husband get saved. After about two years, they have a beautiful girl named Noel and have done alright together. Now... the last few times I "knew" about my marriage, I was all lovey dovey and writing love letters. I'll admit that I think about this guy a lot, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to date/marry him because even though he's not saved he has a noble heart of service, but I'm like "yeah, whatever... not gonna happen". If I'm obsessed about him, it's about him getting saved because if he's got old school morals at 24, I wanna see what this man's gonna do with Jesus. I already know he's gonna change the world, but I'm starting to wonder about my role in his story... the fairy godmother or the princess? In honesty, I don't care which one it is. I wanna know that man's going to heaven. Up there, it's not gonna matter if we're married anyway, just get the guy up there.

If ever you needed evidence that God has a sense of humor... *LOL*

I appreciate it! I just need to stop looking for signs and wonders and look for God. :)

Thing is, even Satan can pull signs and wonders. This whole "know" baloney has been a head trip too many times. I just need to stop worrying about it and let God be God.

I've "known" three times... the first one with signs and wonders. I'm sick of knowing and being played by the devil, so I've given up. Not on the entire concept, but I just really don't care... I really want a husband, but... like I said, I don't care.

I've confessed it to some people already... I think I'm finally getting through this because it's like... I really don't care anymore. It's a good thing, but I'm just finding sleep for a change.

Hey, I appreciate your point of view. I'm not offended at all. I've done that sometimes when I don't read through something posted and give my opinion on the first few. *LOL* I know it has to do with my desire for intimacy, but the roadblock I've had was that A) I want everyone else to be happy and leave no room for myself and B) I really don't know how to throw it all into the arms of someone else. I'm an insanely independant person and don't like people taking care of me. It's just a defense mechanism that I've built over the years. Ironicly, when I do go that route, it's always to please my husband. I want him to have the time of his life whether he's going through hard times, or just wants to play around. My pleasure isn't so much derived from the touch, but imagining him happy. I'm like that with guys. Some of my guyfriends are really physically attractive, but their personality isn't sexy to me. On the other end, I have guyfriends with a beautiful soul that I have to guard my mind against. I guess the reason I can be so open to you people is because you all don't really know me outside the forums... I know you can't use this against me at the church I go to. Sad to think that way, but hey.

Ahhhhh... that's a key problem. I'm so self-examinate on figuring out what the problems are that I'm not looking at Jesus. I'm looking at the Storm at the boat and rebuking it because I don't want Jesus to call me on my lack of faith, and I'm not even noticing that He's on board. Though I will say that it went from a typhoon to a moderate thunderstorm this way. I'm getting tired of rebuking it... maybe I should just let Him do the rest.

Is that not what we are to the world already? In the eyes who love the world and not God, we are negative, unclean and ungodly. Gays riot against the Churches, our own President claims we are not a Christian nation in order to appease our enemies, and when the no-tolerance laws arrive where we can not practice the Bible because of the worship of "freedom", we are certainly "ungodly". To those who truly love this world and themselves, I would prefer to be viewed as a vile abomination. To comply to the image our society is putting forth and being beautiful in their sight would not please my God. I take no offense. Not a lot of people understand why I do things. Though I will admit that my contempt for this world is deep. Deep enough not to really care about some people who desire hell. God may have so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, but if people are stupid enough to keep walking away, I'll let them walk. God loved even Satan enough to give him a place as far away from Him as He could make. People who don't want to understand will never understand unless God hits them over the head with a tack hammer. In order for that to happen, some people need to get bent out of shape. I'm not sure whether I desire self-sufficiency because I hate the world, or I hate the world because I desire self-sufficiency. I realize myself becoming more extroverted and willing to step out and change the world I live in instead of praying and complaining about it. I've stepped away from Goth because I realized that they are just as much of a social religion as every other "subculture". I prefer the term "non-conformist", and Goth's are all the same no matter what they claim as their religion or music tastes. They alienate everyone but their own kind. If I never hated the world, though... I would never have the desire to change it to Jesus. I need this loathing of the earthly ways. I have this... really deep desire and near obsession to help people, though. Everyone around me has to have a happy ending... everyone. I'll have my happy ending with God, I don't want anything. I know that's wrong, though. God loves me too. I love me too, but man... Nothing else matters to me but the happiness of others. I want everything for everyone else. I really don't have anything for me. I don't know why.

Pheh... I've given up on waiting. If God wants to yolk me, he'll do it... right now I can't afford to worry about much. No use searching for a diamond when you end up wanting to cut it yourself. God will drop him off when I'm ready, but right now I'm just sick of it.

Here is why I chose Vile... 2 Samuel 6:22 (Whole Chapter) And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou hast spoken of, of them shall I be had in honour. Meaning, I will not have any restrictions on how I worship the Lord. It is a name of how the world sees me, but if getting up and dancing before the Lord with all that I have is insanity and a point for mockery, I would rather be Vile in their sight.

Thanks for the support, guys! This stronghold is reaaaally deep. I have problems asking God and others for help. I've been in defense mode for so long that I have troubles letting my heart go to Jesus. Masterbation is only part of the problem. I recently got a view of how deep this rabbit hole goes. It gives me literal chest pains when I try and pray about it. I've had about five women in the Church praying over the stronghold and one got pushed off of me. All she could say was "... So many walls... oh God."

I'm finding that I'm going... "Uhm... why?" when it happens rather than enjoying the lustful thoughts too much. It's been getting spaced out more and more, but being under a lot of stress has gotten me distracted with finals. It's really just stupid. I'm not banging my head over the whole ordeal like I used to, but at the same time, I need to remain vigilant and not condemning. It's almost mechanical... I think my friends in Christ might be right that I've done it for so many years that my body depends on the chemicals. I'm not sexually active, but maybe taking birth control to suppress those hormones will help.