Vile

It's definately giving me new ideas, but one of my problems is that it hits me when I'm tired and ready for bed. I have been able to think about the novel I'm writing every now and then, but getting the battle of the minds to work is tough. Getting back up and doing something productive when I'm going that route might help... maybe getting better exercise so I can get to sleep quicker would be a good one.

I know others had similar problems, but I've also known people to take dillemmas out of context and use it against me (which is how I somewhat got kicked out of my second ministry because some Jezebel decided to use things I confided to her for her own agenda and spread rumors that I was a dangerous psycho in need of incarceration). Here, I know that people don't well me enough to use stuff against me, thus I can speak freely. I have a gift for honesty, almost to a fault. Sometimes I don't understand why people are so amazed that I have such "guts"... I simply don't know better other than personal falls in trusting the wrong person.

Patience is another thing I need to work on. *LOL*

He might have meant "closer to God" than his own wife, since the word "know" is also used for intimacy, but there are different levels of intimacy. I'd have to talk to Pastor to see if he remembers that, but I think it was someone from the outside preaching that one. I know it was somewhere in the Letters... Actually, when you said "tell me all about it" that was something the Holy Spirit asked of me recently after it happened again. I got bratty about it, but not at him, but just saying what I wanted and what I wanted now. I haven't been feeling condemned, but I have felt God trying to draw me closer. I just wish I knew where the hole was. That would make things so much easier.

More intimate with god that he was more his own wife.???? I don,t know of such a scripture . I heard my pastor or someone who came to our Church preaching that one, now I can't find the scripture. It was several years ago. I'm trying to search for it now.

I've read about intimacy with Christ wondering if that was my problem. Thing is... I have a hard time understanding what that means in the spiritual. The Lord meant for Adam and Eve to be intimate with one another and "know" one another. Jesus doesn't need it like that, otherwise He would have taken a wife. I try to get into the Word, but I just... have a problem keeping focused with it. I ponder on God all the time on a casual relationship. I pray every day and talk to Him, knowing some key scriptures and when I need a scripture for a certain thing I go look for it. Then I remember one of the apostles saying in one of the letters after acts (pardon my bad memory for scripture quoting) that he was more intimate with God than his own wife. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that one and get from "earth" mindset to "spirit" mindset. As a human, I understand human intimacy in the physical. I'm still trying to get to that level with Praise and Worship and prayer... Getting to that spiritual level has annoyed the heck out of me in the back of my mind. I guess my mind keeps going back to what I know as a human, but I know there are a couple of scriptures pointing out that I'm not supposed to fully comprehend. I've cast out demons, I've prayed and things have come to pass, but on this matter I have a glass ceiling. I don't really have friends I can trust with this matter, so I prefer to turn to quazi-strangers whom I can trust as being godly people. I trust my pastor and people there with my life, but... I know all too well the works of the devil in any Church setting. I'm happy I found a place which accepts my artistic and philosophical preferences (because I stick to Bible principles with both) I just realize that having too much information out there with a lot of people who like to talk may lead to some odd things. Would you beliveve that I "knew" who my husband was three times already? Part of this was a psychotic episode after a crush of mine died the day I said to others that I would ask him out, my father passing away two months before that, and one of the men responcible for getting me born again passing away in his mid-forties two months after that. I even had signs and wonders follow two of them, but also read that the devil is capable of producing signs like that. I realized the first two had aspects to them which I despised and wish would change even though they were godly people, so I knew the first two were duds. The last one, I wouldn't change, but he has a very strong conviction about staying single... and if God told him that, then I'm not pushing to ask him out anymore. My desire is to have a partner. I know I won't get them until I'm ready for it, and this has been a royal roadblock. I'm slowly getting to understand it, but I need a little more help.

I've stepped away from smut fiction, but sometimes when I watch movies and don't know the scene is coming, it's like "DOH!"... When I write my own fiction I try to go to FTB, unless the scene is pivotal to character development (and I still don't do a play by play, but I only used it once in a "mock romance" to punish those who liked to read smut... I left it at a cliffhanger with a broken internet link to the "rest of the story" right before they went at it because I was sick and tired of seeing that stuff... :( ) Other than that, I try not to indulge any further than my own mind. Of course some real-life examples turn me on every now and then to lead to those. I've went through every night, to a couple times a week... and these days it's only when I'm having... well female problems when my hormones are out of whack... x_x. For some strange reason, if someone asked me to do it for real, I would turn them down. It takes an emotional bond to turn me on. I don't think I could even have sex with a boyfriend... I MIGHT jump the gun on fiancee... not really wanting to, but I'm just being honest about my weakness. Sex = trust and security for me. I want to give the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with the security of knowing that I hadn't been messing around at all. I really want him to be safe with me and know that I don't play games. Psychologically, it's not the sex, really. It's intimicy in general.

Now, I've been blessed to say that I've been getting better at keeping my creative mind from going to the darkside, but as a woman, there are some times when my hormones seem to override my spiritual desire. What is the fine line between being a human and having problems keeping thoughts pure? Yes, I do admit to still have a problem with masturbation, but I have made significant progress (as I had done it almost every night from about 13 to my mid twenties). This is one of those thorns that I know will not leave me as I know that I will one day have a husband who will need physical intimacy, but how do I pray for God's grace to keep my heart captive and the mind of Christ? Keep in mind, I am a virgin still, though I was taught in Catholic School that "Abstainance is Best, but if you can't wait, use a condom". I was messing around doing a lot of things EXCEPT sex until someone actually pointed the biblical backing for that being wrong and I've been trying to fix it since. I'll be honest. God made sex and once I get married, my husband is going to be well taken care of. Of course that will never be the only reason to get married, but I want to make it loud and clear that I think a healthy sexual relationship is something God intended to have in marriage. I just have been having (in my desire to find someone to get intimate with) my own thoughts ponder on what it would be like if certain single friends of mine ever decided to marry me. Of course, not all of that is sex, but it's hard not to steer that way. Sometimes I'm sleeping in the middle of a dream, and I find out my body automaticly went into masturbation mode when I wake up. I don't feel condemned, it's more along the lines of... "Not again... this is annoying...". I know it's something I shouldn't do, but being a creature of habit for that long time is making it a nightly struggle. How do I take care of something like this?

I could use a few prayers for that myself. I am breaking free of some sinful habits, but the thoughts keep coming to my head. It's the one drawback to having a creative mind... when it goes the wrong direction, it goes in detail.

God promoted Saul and take a fine look at what all he did. The people asked for a king and they got one even though the Lord said they didn't need one. Many asked for Obama, and we got him.

I've been kicked out of two ministries for telling people like it Biblically is. Thusly, I always put the disclaimer in front of each of my "Theological Sessions" for those who don't like it straight up. You guys have been good to me thus far.

((I always put this disclaimer before advice I give publicly... I write this for myself as much as everyone else. I can be a hypocrite just as much as the people I point fingers at, which is why I post things like this so that someone can redirect me to my own advice so I can verbally kick my own rump from the past to correct my future.)) Alright, I'm generally called a Goth. I like dressing in the fun blacks, vinyl and fishnets when I can go out (even to Church sometimes). I do not do so in order to draw attention, nor do I do so in scantly clad items; I'm just wearing my sackcloth like I was told I was going to do in Revelations. Note, that I do not do so all the time as a lot of the Gothic attire requires special cleaning which I am too lazy and poor to do right now (I believe if you are going to dress as a subculture, you do it RIGHT). I don't even wear anything blasphemous. Everything I wear has symbolic meaning for the Bible. I think my friends at Leper said it best; "Goth is not a religion, it's an Art Form". Now my question is; if every tongue and every nation call him "Lord", we are going to have all sorts of cultures which we don't really see as 'kosher" turning to Christ without dressing in three-piece suits or Easter Dresses... are we ready to accept the fact that God's love transcends feeble concepts such as society? There is a fine line between worshiping God and worshiping the way you worship him. Gothic ministries can be JUST as non-accepting of "normal" people as normal people are of the Gothic community. That is a religious bunch of B.S. just as bad as the Phelps Church (but I'm not going to go there). How deeply are we worshiping our ways as much as we worship God? I made a startling realization about how much I didn't care about saving people. I wanted a few select people who I saw potential in to join me in heaven and if everyone else did, that was their own decision. Now, at the same time, I have the stark realization that I can't save everyone. If that was the case, then there wouldn't be a fire for the harvest. In the end, in the words of King Baldwin from Kingdom of Heaven; "... your soul is in your own keeping alone". Now, one has to keep in mind the fine line between "style" and "action" in subcultures. If someone is required to perform sin in order to be a part of a subculture, then we do have a right to say that it is wrong but love the people anyway. There are some which might infer the fact that they have to sin (such as Rave with drugs and Gangsta for committing crime), but there are those who just like the style and don't do such things. It is also the fine line between being metro and being gay. I have a couple of friends who are men of God who dress and act a certain way which make people question their spiritual walk, but are quite straight. They get so much hell from their Church because they like musicals or go to a tanning salon, or want to become a hair dresser. We can't assume someone is sinning because of the way they dress. Most teenage girls in this day and age don't realize they are dressing like hookers. Don't assume that they are living that lifestyle and they have problems about it. Talk with them and get to know them first before stepping in and having a well-meaning talk with them when all you are doing is insulting them. Now, if it's to talk about them about how their revealing clothing might be inadvertantly tempting some of the other members of the congregation, then you have a sin to talk about and I have nothing against that. Fishnet stockings and daisy dukes aren't appropriate for a Church. Now, when I do dress Goth, I sit in the back because I am not the main attraction at a worship service. I'll wear my skater pants without the chains because they make too much noise. I do have consideration for a service because I want to show the truth about "every tongue and every nation". Art is a form of communication, and many styles can glorify Him. I have reasons for what I do. I'm not eye-candy, but I am a bold statement. I want to see more of "my kind" sitting with me, and that's not going to happen until I make people uncomfortable enough at Church long enough to get used to it. So what are you doing to promote people that you really don't want to see in Church? What type of people would you hate to sit next to in Church or make you so uncomfortable with? These are the people you must tend to. Myself? It's the people who adopt the "Christian Society". You know... the people who put the bumper stickers and Ithicus' on their cars and verbally abuse their kids at home. The ones who are more than willing to picket a gay bar to proclaim how wrong homosexuality is when their daughter is having sex with every boy on the high school football team (sexual immortality is sexual immorality, no matter who you do it with). If I was still my earthly self, I would be no better than some of the Gothic ministries I've been at who are more than willing to bring in Voltaire for a few extra dollars (I admit I like some of Voltaire's work, but some of his comedy songs are WAY too raunchy to be played in a sanctuary), and downright refuse the help of "normal" Churches to help them no matter how much in debt they are. I don't pull punches. If you think I'm too much, then ban my account. This is reality of the world. What are we as a Church going to do about it? Vile

Me too, but my novel is almost finished. I lift up everyone who could use a little extra change in the name of Jesus. I'm not scared of the economy. Not when I have a God of the Impossible.