goferit 0 Posted February 2, 2015 Just found these..A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.---------------------------------------Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.----------------------------------------A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".------------------------------------------63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.The police are blaming AL IKEA.----------------------------------------Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.----------------------------------------Police stops a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"----------------------------------------Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.."Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"-----------------------------------Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."---------------------------------------------My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.--------------------------------------------------------Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......Your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.----------------------------------------------------Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan . He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
