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goferit

SURE TO OFFEND SOMEONE

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Just found these..


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA.
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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Police stops a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.
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Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!
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In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
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Sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .
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An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan . He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
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An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' v funny

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