Mentally coming apart at the seams...

[HeavenlyBlack 0]

I need prayer and fast. I'm coming apart at the seams remembering all the things I've gone through over the past years, and I don't know how to be set free. I've been so mistreated and lied about in the past and I feel like my lot in life is no better than that of a flaming sack of crap's. I'm talking to a girl I used to love in high school, a girl I was actually obsessed with due to my mental illness, and I can't shake the feeling that she's lying to me or hates me and is just playing nice. I feel like she's totally forgotten about the hand she played in hurting me and letting others hurt me in school, something that after talking to my doctor I've been diagnosed with PTSD from. So I'm totally afraid that she doesn't OR won't understand why I'm so scared of her or such a mess. Plus even after all these years I still hold feelings in my heart for her, and every little mistake I see myself making when I talk to her feels like chiseling an even larger canyon between us. But she doesn't know this. I'm afraid to tell her, she just treats me like a bit of a stranger and apparently doesn't hold anything in her heart for me. She has nothing to gain or lose and I feel like I have the whole world to gain or lose. It's horrible. What's further compounding my issues is the fact that after seeking God in prayer I had so many memories come back to me about my situation with her, and it's like her memory, her "version" of events is so different that my trust is shaken. (BTW, I had all but forgotten about her for about two or so years before I started praying about these things). I feel like God was showing me she cared about me and may have even loved me, but she doesn't remember diddly-squat and I'm so confused. Where does the truth lie? I need major help here. I prayed once about how things would turn out between us before I had gotten back in touch, because I was fearful, and I felt the gift of faith, I felt an unshakable peace and faith that it would all be fine, but I don't see how. And at the same time, I keep having dreams about her and some of them are turning out to be prophetic... but they always depict her as a girlfriend or a best friend or a wife. How can I believe these things, it seems so unrealistic??? On top of that all God spoke to my heart one day and promised me someone to love a year ago, along with a chain of events that have already been fulfilled. And... she's so far beyond me. She travels, studies hard, has money, she basically looks like the upper-middle class compared to my poverty. So how on earth could such a great divide come together in love? I feel mislead and decieved. Please, brothers and sisters on here - don't write me off as a lunatic, I really need prayer, I really need guidance. If ANYONE can give me a prophetic word then please I beg of you, do so. I'm tripping out here... I pretty much chalk it up to the PTSD working its evil little magic (so-to-speak) but still these are all valid concerns. Thank you. God bless.

Tony H.

[Change 0]

hello,


i have a few questions for you if you don't mind answer them.


1. do you have any friends?


2. do you have a job?


3. do you live in your own house and have control over your own life?


the REASON i asked all of this was to put things into perspective for you.


if you have at least 2 of these things...consider yourself blessed.

[HeavenlyBlack 0]

1. In other cities, yes. Not here where I live though.

2. No, I live off of SSI.

3. No, I live with my grandmother.

[Change 0]

HeavenlyBlack wrote:

1. In other cities, yes. Not here where I live though.

2. No, I live off of SSI.

3. No, I live with my grandmother.

1. that's still good.


2. as long as you're not starving.


3. does your Grandmother tell you what to do? does she control your life?

[HeavenlyBlack 0]

Yeah, I've been close to homelessness three times. Anything is better than that! Although my gma does sort of control my life a bit, not in a bad way - it's just that I rely on her to be able to do a lot of things (getting out, etc). I think I got my answer though... I just realized the issue doesn't really involve
this woman at all - it's just my PTSD I am fighting. But I still will leave this up because I'd like to discuss what to do and I still need prayer about this, just from a different angle.

[butterfly 0]

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[Mark Saint Gunn 0]

When you start thinking about your past replace the thoughts with something positive.

For example, when I think of my past sins I instantly tell myself to stop and replace. I am currently replacing my negative thoughts with scripture! I hope this helps! Praise God!

[Guest Guest]

Dear Brother Search in your heart for unforgiveness
Remember what the Lord Told us To forgive those that do wrong to us.
I know is not easy but is the key for sucess here.
The other thing, Do not worry about it or sweat it.
If it is the Lord's I will come to pass.
In dreams He gives some glimpse of the future
Remember Joseph one time He dreamt his brothers were going to bow in front of Him.
And God was faithful to bring it to pass..How ?
not even Joseph would imagine the chain of events in store for him..
Only the Lord knows how..
Blessed be his Name for Ever.
Dear Father in the name of Jesus I come to you
To thank you for your mercy and great wisdom..
Because you are the only certain thing in our lives
Father in front of you I adore you and revered your name
There is power in your name..Father Look at my Brother ..Look at his chains..Father in the name of Jesus Set my Brother Free right now!
In The name of Jesus I command all tormenting Spirit to leave my Brother's life and I bind And cast out the spirit of fear that has kept my brother captive all these years.
In the name of Jesus I declare You Free and Well.
Raise the spirit of my brother for your Glory and Honor
Who among the gods like you Jehovah?
Great is your power and your mercy are for ever.
Thank You Father .in Jesus name.thank You.
Good is to praise you Jehovah...to announce your mercy in the morning and your loyalty at night..
Be free Now in Jesus Name.

[HeavenlyBlack 0]

Guys, seriously. An off-topic list of offensive questions? A PM completely ignoring everything I told you God said and did in favor of leaving the girl in the dust? A list of help sites for obsession? I told you what the problem is - it's Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. I was unhealthily obsessed with her and other girls about 5-7 years ago, but I got over that issue. That wasn't what it was. Panic, anxiety, fear, apprehension, mistrust, and depression = PTSD. I can promise you I'm not obsessed with her. I love her, and if I knew it was best for her I would even go so far as to never speak to her again. I care about her, and I'm not just infatuated. She's kind to me and understanding and there is no way on Earth that I would so foolishly abandon her when it's clear she is giving me another chance. Like I said, only for her good. I got over my panicking state by the way, and I'm fine now. Still a little mistrusting, but far from the way I sounded originally. Because beforehand God promised me it would go well himself I immediately moved past my panic, once I remembered. To come against that and tell me to cut her off like she's just some addiction is ignorant at best. I will listen to Christ over Christians every time. By the way, the Church needs to get a grip and actually come to terms with the fact that people do feel such extreme heartache, and that their pain is actually valid. I've had so many just blow it off and throw out the old proverbial "fish in the sea" bull. That kind of invalidation makes individuals commit suicide. If I were in more trouble than I was and your response was the same, just as slow and off-the-mark, I could guarantee you I would at least have self-mutilated. Open your eyes to a serious issue. There are some people out there who are built to love with their whole soul, and when they repeatedly find themselves in situations of lies, abuse, and rejection they crumble. Not everyone knows prophetically who they're destined to be with and thus they don't remember how to hope when the issue starts to drag on for years. Not everyone just plays the dating game and goes through lovers like sampling different food. Some people are made to be one with another, and if we don't support them many WILL die before they find that special someone. They aren't sick, weak, or misled - they are who they were made to be. Pass judgments on them, call them obsessive or unrealistic, and you have put another nail in their coffin. Thank God I'm strong enough to assert myself upon these things, but those who aren't will suffer greatly in life due to people who refuse to get it or listen.

By the way, thank you Mark and mbstudent.

[HeavenlyBlack 0]

By the way, I know you guys were coming to me with a loving spirit - but you were ignoring important details and were so off-the-mark that I just needed to put my foot down. God's started to change me the last week or so, and I'm learning to love myself better and be bold and assertive.

[butterfly 0]

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[HeavenlyBlack 0]

You have missed where I acknowledged the fact that I know I was obsessive. But that was then, this is now. I am no longer in pieces over it what my original point addressed - it was a temporary problem. Obsession is not that temporary. And you need to know, I was abusive, I was possessive, and I was controlling. I never wanted to be that way. But no way will I let you say that I have no idea about suicide and self-mutilation. I *used to* slit my wrists to punish myself for not being able to get those girls to love me. I was bleeding enough to soak a whole page of paper, and you know how I know that - I DID. And then I wrote a sick, sad little poem on it. I wound up hospitalized! I *used to* fantasize about punishing my victims (which is exactly what they were, and that's sad) by blowing my brains all over them by shooting myself in front of them, or overdosing and dying in their arms - both of which would scar them for life. But I'm saying I know these things intimately and beyond a doubt I know this current issue is not the same thing. It feels very different, it causes no abuse, no mistreatment, and only wants to respect and support and appreciate. In other words, what I posted originally was only a temporary mood. I do worry about her too much, but I'm not sending her twenty IMs asking her why she hasn't been online in 48 hours... jeez. I'm glad you got pissed off though, you proved my point - your argument totally backfired on itself because it was invalidating and presumptuous. It WASN'T healthy, but I AM now. Stuff about having low self-esteem and wanting to assume the identity of another? TOSH. If anything the way I just took it upon myself to offend a large group of people to defend myself and MY OWN PERSONALITY AND VIEWS says the very opposite, not to mention I am a stubborn individualist. I have no need to dissolve into another, but FROM MY PAST I know EXACTLY how that feels.

And do I need to repeat myself on the matter that JEHOVAH himself has told me to stick with it? Did I mention this girl totally slipped my memory for two years, and I only began to remember everything WHEN I PRAYED. The only reason I'm talking to her even now is because God led me in dreams and his reassuring gift of faith to go for it. God will deal with me for this anger I'm showing, but you have ignored God himself. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT GOD HAS PURPOSEFULLY DECEIVED ME AND LED ME INTO A RELATIONSHIP TO FIGHT, ABUSE, AND MAYBE EVEN DIE? Apparently God knows more than you about me. Duh.

[butterfly 0]

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[HeavenlyBlack 0]

Wouldn't you have liked someone to understand what you were going through? Especially if you were young like me. No one helped me, no one but my own victims themselves. The very people I hurt held my hand through it all. The two people I treated the worse, the two people I *stalked*, were the ones sticking by my side and taking care of me. Granted we fought and fought HARD, but there was a *real* love there buried underneath it all. And I know this for a fact because my best friend, the person I always turn to and who always turns to me, is one of them. She loves me, plain and simple. Nothing can even come close to killing our relationship. I have many precious moments in my heart from spending time with her, I cry out of joy when I think about it, which I actually am doing now! The other person, she was more enigmatic. She is the one I have recently gotten back in touch with, the one I was fretting over. I am still afraid of her to this day, not because I think losing her will crush me, but just due to the plain fact that the PTSD came from her retaliation toward me. People harassed me and lied to me, staff treated me like a little snot, parents were blissfully ignorant and actually most likely in denial about it. I was hopeless and lost at the time, but not for real. Because, while this girl (now a strong and beautiful woman) attacked me, she also showed a loving care for me that I had never seen before, and haven't seen since. She got my back, protected me at times, showed concern for my well-being and future. She tried to reconcile with me a few times, but I was a mess and couldn't listen long enough to figure it all out. She has forgiven me, and I am sincerely hoping to build a relationship with her just like I have with the other girl. And I should mention, I haven't suffered from the true obsession for almost three years.

[butterfly 0]

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[HeavenlyBlack 0]

Thank you, I do love Joyce Meyer. Her writings and teachings are perfect for people who suffer from mental health issues. I'm sorry I went off on you, it's honestly out of character for me. I never like feeling or acting that way. I just am incredibly sensitive to being told I'm obsessing, because it's become a sort of curse and tease in my eyes. I just feel insulted when I hear that word... I have a strong romantic side and I never know whether it's just that or if it has crossed a line because what I find adoring others find creepy, although sometimes they are just trying to disparage me. It tears me up to be called that because I feel like they just don't understand. I am very feminine and sensitive for a guy and sometimes it just triggers an instant aversion in my romantic interests, a lot of which I still hold resentments against to this day (obviously). All I ever wanted was to act cute with someone, make strangers vomit with spontaneous acts of (tasteful) PDA , lavish them with complements, get to know them well, adore them and admire them. But yet I get spat upon. And tbh, it just downright pisses me off. I'm having a hard time taking the Lord's word on it when it comes to the current girl. Like I said... there's still some weary mistrust there. If it makes it any better, I purposely didn't talk to her until I could calm myself down and get my head back together. Being so "close" to her gave me a shock to my system.

[HeavenlyBlack 0]

Oh, and beauty for ashes is something I regularly stand upon in prayer. I need to read that friggin' thing already, I knew it was out there.

[butterfly 0]

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[Christa 0]

Hi Tony,

You said, "I prayed once about how things would turn out between us before I had gotten back in touch, because I was fearful, and I felt the gift of faith, I felt an unshakable peace and faith that it would all be fine, but I don't see how." And you also said, "How can I believe these things, it seems so unrealistic??? On top of that all God spoke to my heart one day and promised me someone to love
a year ago, along with a chain of events that have already been fulfilled. And... she's so far beyond me."

Thank God for His promises, Amen?!! God promised you someone to love and He gave you incredible peace when you prayed. Tony, you have to remember that God's timing is perfect....absolutely perfect. It seems to me that God is lining things up for you with this special woman. I know it's hard, but it's worth it to wait for God's timing because He's putting everything in play.

For example: Let's say you don't like girls who pluck their eyebrows because it grosses you out or annoys you. Well, God's going to fix that problem of hers before He presents her to you. He'll do the same with you....He'll fix your stuff before He presents you to her. It's a vice versa sort of thing. He wants us to have the best, and it's worth it to wait for God's best, isn't it?! He fixes us all and prepares us for wonderful experiences, friends, and companions IF we stay in faith. When you prayed that night, you received a gift of faith. It's now your job to walk in that faith until your beautiful future bride comes right to your door. She may even be at your door already, waiting for God to say, "OK, now it's time to knock and meet your prince." Your future wife wants you as badly as you want her, just trust God to bring it together and to help you to be patient and have the faith to hold on to that promise in the meantime. God bless you, I know you have a lot of love and a lot of your heart to give. You're going to be your future bride's dream come true, just let God move the pieces together. God says that you're worth it! You're a favored child of The King! He's going to give you the best Tony. Keep in faith and God bless you and give you extra peace in the meantime.

[Guest Guest]

Hallelujah!