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  1. richee


    Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up GOD, saying: 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' GOD replies 'We are over our quota on Pikeys. Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to GOD again. 'They've gone', he tells GOD. 'What?' says GOD, 'All 40 of them?' 'No, the Pearly Gates'.
  2. An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' Some old men can still think quickly.
  3. richee

    few irish

    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff." The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, " Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality." Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it." The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me! Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," Paddy replies. "It should be round your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe." Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"
  4. The wife and i went to see a marriage guidance councillor today. He asked if i knew what my wife's favourite flower was. I held her hand and lovingly looked into her eyes and replied, I know this one. ..............."Its Homepride isn't it !"
  5. richee


    Bought my wife a fur coat made out of 3,600 hamster skins. Took her to blackpool last weekend...... Couldnt get the bitch off the big wheel for two days
  6. A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything but stella. Barman asks "whats wrong with stella" The bloke said "i had 12 pints of stella last night and when i came round i was f***ing skint" Barman said "12 pints of anything costs the same, mate" The bloke replied "Skint is the name of my dog"
  7. richee


    Paddy the electrician got the sack from an American prison for not repairing the electric chair. He says that in his opinion " its a bloody death trap".
  8. Would it be a RAYNAL AUTO by any chance,
  9. richee


    Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?' Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!'
  10. > > Position right forefinger and on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. > > Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. > > > 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. > > > > Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. > > > 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. > > > > > 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. > > > > Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. > > > 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. > > > > > > Call spouse in from the garden. > > > > 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. > > > > Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. > > > > 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. > > > Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. > > > > 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. > > > > Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw > > > > 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. > > > > 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. > > > > Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. > > > 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. > > > > Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. > > > 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. > > > > Take last pill from foil wrap. > > > 13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. > > > > > > 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. > > > > 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. > > > > > How To Give A Dog A Pill > > 1. Wrap it in bacon. > > 2. Toss it in the air. >
  11. APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS______ _________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________ __________________________________________________ ___________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain ____ __________________________________________________ ______________ __________________________________________________ __________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? __________________________________________________ ____________ __________________________________________________ ____________ In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? __________________________________________________ ____________ __________________________________________________ ____________ In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? __________________________________________________ ____________ __________________________________________________ ____________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend __________________________________________________ _ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: __________________________________________________ ____________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: __________________________________________________ ____________ C: A woman's place is in the: __________________________________________________ ____________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: __________________________________________________ ____________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ ______________________ ____________ __________________________________________________ ____________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: __________________________________________________ ____________ F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. __________________________________________________ _______ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest /Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back) To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) : Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to w ear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a dat e with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
  12. Bride on her wedding night says to her hubby “I must confess I was a hooker” he says " that’s ok .your past is your past but I must admit I find it quite erotic, tell me about it”. she says “my name was Dave and I played for Wigan warriors”.
  13. A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things. The first little boy says, "Alligator." "Very good, that's a big word." The second boy says, "Predator." "Yes, that's another big word. Well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything." "Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
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