goferit

--------Why do you like blowjobs? 1 % liked the warmth 2 % liked the sensation. 3 % liked the eroticism. 94 % just liked the peace and quiet

---- with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches 'Can I help you sir?' 'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' the man replies. The cop asks- 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?' 'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's todger is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?' Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out.......... 'kin 'ell. ----- My girlfriend's gone too!!!!!'

INK

I LUVES STUFF LIKE THAT.

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole . The men were amazed....... About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat. The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat.. .he was chained to a railroad tie."

You know those sort of teenagers who rule the estates, streetwise, frightened of absolutely nothing. Well Social Services decided that a load of them needed a wee break so sent a busload of them off to Longleat Safari Park from their homes in Glasgow. They duly arrived and were told at the gate to stay on the bus at all costs even if the vehicle broke down as help would soon arrive. So they went in and halfway round, the bus did break down. They sat for half an hour waiting then one yeenager said, "f**k this, Ah'm gonnae hae a smoke." The driver told him and the others there was no smoking allowed on the bus so they clambered off despite warnings from the driver about wild animals etc. About a dozen of them were grouped around some bushes smoking away when two Land Rovers screamed up with lights flashing and horns blaring and the wardens roared at them throigh bullhorns to "Get back on the bus, there are lions just over the other side of those bushes." The ringleader eyed them through a cloud of smoke and said calmly, "We're no' touchin' yer fuckin' lions."

Thanks for the replies, Ithink I'll keep an eye open for a 'car sat-nav, with a earphone jack, but they don't seem to make 'em with that these days.. Mind you... the road-sign method [b]IS[/b] the cheapest...I'll give you that,-Dick65

Hardy- fickin' Har-Har--- brilliant

The cheque is in the post. I'll respect you in the morning. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. It's only a cold sore. You get this one, I'll pay next time. My wife doesn't understand me. Trust me, I'll take care of everything. Of course I love you. I am getting a divorce. Drinking? Why, no, Officer. I never inhaled. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. I never watch porno channels. ...but we can still be good friends. She means nothing to me. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." **** I gave at the office. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. I'll call you later. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year. Read my lips: no new taxes. I've never done anything like this before. Now, I'm going to tell you the truth. It's supposed to make that noise. I *love* your new _____! ...then take a left. You can't miss it. Yes, I did. Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

INJECTORS

Has any-one have an opinion on the best (v.f.m.) Sat-Nav, system to buy ?. My last one was a Tom-Tom 1. which is now defunct. I used it encased in a Givi waterproof case, and it served ok, as it had a ear-phone socket, enabling me to hear instructions; it seems the newer generation of gps, do not give this option,on the 'car' sat navs:...So the question is ..do I have to purchase the very expensive Tom-Tom rider?... average price about £270.-- £300-. or do you folks know of a better system?, this model does provide a Scala, Blue-tooth set..... but would that mean I'd have to purchase a Blue-tooth helmet ...Can any-on advise which is the best... I cant really justify that kind of expense,cos I don't go Touring these days.. What do you folk use.....(don't say A-Z BOOK)---'Kin awkward when ridin') Ta..

RULE

Apprehend

AXE

F'ked it up mate..meant ta put it in t' word association posts..

BOOTS.. may well have done this wrong ?.

BOOTS

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man- kind.' A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

The lineage is finally revealed ! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation: Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!

> >Men are just happier people.....what do you expect from such simple > >creatures? > >Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care > >of themselves. > >Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be > >pregnant. > >You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear No shorts to a > >water park. > >Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. > >You never have to drive to another gas station rest-room because this one > >is just too icky. > >You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. > >Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000 - Tux > >rental $100. > >People never stare at your chest when your talking to them. > >The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected. > >New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. > >Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about > >tanks. > > > >A 5 day vacation requires only 1 suitcase. You can open all your own jars. > > > >You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. > >If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. > >Your underwear is $8.95 for a pack of 3. 3 pair of shoes are more than > >enough. > >You almost never have strap problems in public. > >You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. > > > >Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle > >lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and > >neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides > >your big hips. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one colour all season. > >You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your > >nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning > >growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on > >24th December in 25 minutes. > > > >No wonder men are happier. This to the women who can handle it and > >to the men who will enjoy reading it. > > > >"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved > >body, but, > >rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out shouting 'whoo-hoo-what a > > F' Kin' ride!!'.

I hope not Itchy, my only aim in life is ta see folks happy, & try 'n' make'em smile.. Hang on & I'll try again..

Thanks all, for a warm welcome

1.. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...' 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 11.. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, I???m going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy' 14. Guy goes into the doctors. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.' 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."