HeavenlyBlack

Thank you guys. I definitely KNOW I need to chill. My mental illnesses load me with anxiety and fear... anyways, I took a step out and tried to contact someone I was interested in and it crashed and burned, so I'm moving on. NEXT! hahaha

Please pray that I may understand the calling God has upon my life. I'm feeling led in to be a musician, but I have severe social anxiety that comes and goes and I don't know how I'd be able to perform. Also I need to understand what gifts I've been given. The Father gave me the ability to speak in tongues but has not answered my prayer to interpret, and I also was given the gift of discernment several years ago, but He took it away within minutes of giving it. At least so it seems. I feel I need that gift because like many here I seek guidance and insights on my future in my dreams and other's and I want to know when it is of the Lord. I seem to have a knack for interpreting dreams too. At least I feel I do, not sure. Could I possibly be a seer? And please pray for me to have wisdom in my love life. I've been alone for a long time, and several years ago Jehovah spoke to my heart and told me that I was promised someone, but not who. And I have a lot of reservations and fears because I don't understand how a woman would be with a mentally ill and essentially poor man. Thank you, Tony

Oh, and beauty for ashes is something I regularly stand upon in prayer. I need to read that friggin' thing already, I knew it was out there.

Thank you, I do love Joyce Meyer. Her writings and teachings are perfect for people who suffer from mental health issues. I'm sorry I went off on you, it's honestly out of character for me. I never like feeling or acting that way. I just am incredibly sensitive to being told I'm obsessing, because it's become a sort of curse and tease in my eyes. I just feel insulted when I hear that word... I have a strong romantic side and I never know whether it's just that or if it has crossed a line because what I find adoring others find creepy, although sometimes they are just trying to disparage me. It tears me up to be called that because I feel like they just don't understand. I am very feminine and sensitive for a guy and sometimes it just triggers an instant aversion in my romantic interests, a lot of which I still hold resentments against to this day (obviously). All I ever wanted was to act cute with someone, make strangers vomit with spontaneous acts of (tasteful) PDA , lavish them with complements, get to know them well, adore them and admire them. But yet I get spat upon. And tbh, it just downright pisses me off. I'm having a hard time taking the Lord's word on it when it comes to the current girl. Like I said... there's still some weary mistrust there. If it makes it any better, I purposely didn't talk to her until I could calm myself down and get my head back together. Being so "close" to her gave me a shock to my system.

Wouldn't you have liked someone to understand what you were going through? Especially if you were young like me. No one helped me, no one but my own victims themselves. The very people I hurt held my hand through it all. The two people I treated the worse, the two people I *stalked*, were the ones sticking by my side and taking care of me. Granted we fought and fought HARD, but there was a *real* love there buried underneath it all. And I know this for a fact because my best friend, the person I always turn to and who always turns to me, is one of them. She loves me, plain and simple. Nothing can even come close to killing our relationship. I have many precious moments in my heart from spending time with her, I cry out of joy when I think about it, which I actually am doing now! The other person, she was more enigmatic. She is the one I have recently gotten back in touch with, the one I was fretting over. I am still afraid of her to this day, not because I think losing her will crush me, but just due to the plain fact that the PTSD came from her retaliation toward me. People harassed me and lied to me, staff treated me like a little snot, parents were blissfully ignorant and actually most likely in denial about it. I was hopeless and lost at the time, but not for real. Because, while this girl (now a strong and beautiful woman) attacked me, she also showed a loving care for me that I had never seen before, and haven't seen since. She got my back, protected me at times, showed concern for my well-being and future. She tried to reconcile with me a few times, but I was a mess and couldn't listen long enough to figure it all out. She has forgiven me, and I am sincerely hoping to build a relationship with her just like I have with the other girl. And I should mention, I haven't suffered from the true obsession for almost three years.

You have missed where I acknowledged the fact that I know I was obsessive. But that was then, this is now. I am no longer in pieces over it what my original point addressed - it was a temporary problem. Obsession is not that temporary. And you need to know, I was abusive, I was possessive, and I was controlling. I never wanted to be that way. But no way will I let you say that I have no idea about suicide and self-mutilation. I *used to* slit my wrists to punish myself for not being able to get those girls to love me. I was bleeding enough to soak a whole page of paper, and you know how I know that - I DID. And then I wrote a sick, sad little poem on it. I wound up hospitalized! I *used to* fantasize about punishing my victims (which is exactly what they were, and that's sad) by blowing my brains all over them by shooting myself in front of them, or overdosing and dying in their arms - both of which would scar them for life. But I'm saying I know these things intimately and beyond a doubt I know this current issue is not the same thing. It feels very different, it causes no abuse, no mistreatment, and only wants to respect and support and appreciate. In other words, what I posted originally was only a temporary mood. I do worry about her too much, but I'm not sending her twenty IMs asking her why she hasn't been online in 48 hours... jeez. I'm glad you got pissed off though, you proved my point - your argument totally backfired on itself because it was invalidating and presumptuous. It WASN'T healthy, but I AM now. Stuff about having low self-esteem and wanting to assume the identity of another? TOSH. If anything the way I just took it upon myself to offend a large group of people to defend myself and MY OWN PERSONALITY AND VIEWS says the very opposite, not to mention I am a stubborn individualist. I have no need to dissolve into another, but FROM MY PAST I know EXACTLY how that feels. And do I need to repeat myself on the matter that JEHOVAH himself has told me to stick with it? Did I mention this girl totally slipped my memory for two years, and I only began to remember everything WHEN I PRAYED. The only reason I'm talking to her even now is because God led me in dreams and his reassuring gift of faith to go for it. God will deal with me for this anger I'm showing, but you have ignored God himself. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT GOD HAS PURPOSEFULLY DECEIVED ME AND LED ME INTO A RELATIONSHIP TO FIGHT, ABUSE, AND MAYBE EVEN DIE? Apparently God knows more than you about me. Duh.

By the way, I know you guys were coming to me with a loving spirit - but you were ignoring important details and were so off-the-mark that I just needed to put my foot down. God's started to change me the last week or so, and I'm learning to love myself better and be bold and assertive.

Guys, seriously. An off-topic list of offensive questions? A PM completely ignoring everything I told you God said and did in favor of leaving the girl in the dust? A list of help sites for obsession? I told you what the problem is - it's Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. I was unhealthily obsessed with her and other girls about 5-7 years ago, but I got over that issue. That wasn't what it was. Panic, anxiety, fear, apprehension, mistrust, and depression = PTSD. I can promise you I'm not obsessed with her. I love her, and if I knew it was best for her I would even go so far as to never speak to her again. I care about her, and I'm not just infatuated. She's kind to me and understanding and there is no way on Earth that I would so foolishly abandon her when it's clear she is giving me another chance. Like I said, only for her good. I got over my panicking state by the way, and I'm fine now. Still a little mistrusting, but far from the way I sounded originally. Because beforehand God promised me it would go well himself I immediately moved past my panic, once I remembered. To come against that and tell me to cut her off like she's just some addiction is ignorant at best. I will listen to Christ over Christians every time. By the way, the Church needs to get a grip and actually come to terms with the fact that people do feel such extreme heartache, and that their pain is actually valid. I've had so many just blow it off and throw out the old proverbial "fish in the sea" bull. That kind of invalidation makes individuals commit suicide. If I were in more trouble than I was and your response was the same, just as slow and off-the-mark, I could guarantee you I would at least have self-mutilated. Open your eyes to a serious issue. There are some people out there who are built to love with their whole soul, and when they repeatedly find themselves in situations of lies, abuse, and rejection they crumble. Not everyone knows prophetically who they're destined to be with and thus they don't remember how to hope when the issue starts to drag on for years. Not everyone just plays the dating game and goes through lovers like sampling different food. Some people are made to be one with another, and if we don't support them many WILL die before they find that special someone. They aren't sick, weak, or misled - they are who they were made to be. Pass judgments on them, call them obsessive or unrealistic, and you have put another nail in their coffin. Thank God I'm strong enough to assert myself upon these things, but those who aren't will suffer greatly in life due to people who refuse to get it or listen. By the way, thank you Mark and mbstudent.

Yeah, I've been close to homelessness three times. Anything is better than that! Although my gma does sort of control my life a bit, not in a bad way - it's just that I rely on her to be able to do a lot of things (getting out, etc). I think I got my answer though... I just realized the issue doesn't really involve this woman at all - it's just my PTSD I am fighting. But I still will leave this up because I'd like to discuss what to do and I still need prayer about this, just from a different angle.

1. In other cities, yes. Not here where I live though. 2. No, I live off of SSI. 3. No, I live with my grandmother.

I need prayer and fast. I'm coming apart at the seams remembering all the things I've gone through over the past years, and I don't know how to be set free. I've been so mistreated and lied about in the past and I feel like my lot in life is no better than that of a flaming sack of crap's. I'm talking to a girl I used to love in high school, a girl I was actually obsessed with due to my mental illness, and I can't shake the feeling that she's lying to me or hates me and is just playing nice. I feel like she's totally forgotten about the hand she played in hurting me and letting others hurt me in school, something that after talking to my doctor I've been diagnosed with PTSD from. So I'm totally afraid that she doesn't OR won't understand why I'm so scared of her or such a mess. Plus even after all these years I still hold feelings in my heart for her, and every little mistake I see myself making when I talk to her feels like chiseling an even larger canyon between us. But she doesn't know this. I'm afraid to tell her, she just treats me like a bit of a stranger and apparently doesn't hold anything in her heart for me. She has nothing to gain or lose and I feel like I have the whole world to gain or lose. It's horrible. What's further compounding my issues is the fact that after seeking God in prayer I had so many memories come back to me about my situation with her, and it's like her memory, her "version" of events is so different that my trust is shaken. (BTW, I had all but forgotten about her for about two or so years before I started praying about these things). I feel like God was showing me she cared about me and may have even loved me, but she doesn't remember diddly-squat and I'm so confused. Where does the truth lie? I need major help here. I prayed once about how things would turn out between us before I had gotten back in touch, because I was fearful, and I felt the gift of faith, I felt an unshakable peace and faith that it would all be fine, but I don't see how. And at the same time, I keep having dreams about her and some of them are turning out to be prophetic... but they always depict her as a girlfriend or a best friend or a wife. How can I believe these things, it seems so unrealistic??? On top of that all God spoke to my heart one day and promised me someone to love a year ago, along with a chain of events that have already been fulfilled. And... she's so far beyond me. She travels, studies hard, has money, she basically looks like the upper-middle class compared to my poverty. So how on earth could such a great divide come together in love? I feel mislead and decieved. Please, brothers and sisters on here - don't write me off as a lunatic, I really need prayer, I really need guidance. If ANYONE can give me a prophetic word then please I beg of you, do so. I'm tripping out here... I pretty much chalk it up to the PTSD working its evil little magic (so-to-speak) but still these are all valid concerns. Thank you. God bless. Tony H.

The Lord recently revealed to me in a dream that I need to go to college. He (after interpretation) told me that I'm hiding behind my mental illness and need to address the issue and change. The main place I'm using it to hide is in work and school. I have PTSD from high school bullying and am afraid of people to an unhealthy degree. But I have meds that make things much easier and He is telling me it's time to progress in life and move past my issues. So I wanted to ask for prayer for 1) strength over my fears, 2) clarity over confusion in what I should work towards, and 3) God's guidance as to what career I should persue. I have a strong desire to open a business, a Christian coffee shop with good coffee and healthy smoothies and books and music too. I also, as a Christian goth, have a strong burden on my heart about legalism and today's youth and youth cultures. So I thought I could put the two together in a way. I ask of you, pray that I may find out if this is God's will. I ask for prayer for grace and open doors, and dream guidance as well. Thank you Tony