Lara

Hello Cholette, It helps alot. I now understand that I wanted what I wanted and I was blinded by that. I am the cause of my own confusion and pain. :S

Last year summer, I was feeling really desperate to find a job and an appartment. I felt desperate and completely dependent on God because it seemed at the time as though only certain individuals were having success finding internships etc while others were left out in the cold. So I started to cry out to God to give me at least some crumbs from the table since it seemed as though nothing was coming my way or was going to come my way unless God himself made it possible. I was also desperate to find an apartment since my time in the accomodation I had was running out. I felt so pressured that I researched praying in tongues, a practice I had up until that point abandonned. I found a an e-book on it and prayed to God about praying in tongues again and I was off. I would spend at least an hour or so just praying in tongues. One time I felt like this heat coursing through part of my body and I felt as though I was being delivered from things. Other times as I prayed I felt different bondages leave me. I continued reading the ebook and faith came up. Since I was trying to find an apartment and was commencing my job hunt I decided I would start speaking in faith. So I started saying with "man it is impossible but with God all things are possible". I also confessed out loud that I would find a job in the area and a nice apartment. The first time I did this, I felt what I thought was the power of God stir in a new way. To the point where I felt weak. The only way I can descibre it is , I felt drunk in the spirit. I had never experienced God like this before. (Now I'm wondering if it really was God but I digress). Whenever, I made these confessions the power would stir. This made me feel as though I would have what I said. Fast forward to today, I am back home and the only thing that materialised was the apartment which I had for 6 weeks and had to give up because it was unavailable for the following month and then after that the fees were too exhorbitant. I am now wondering what really happened to me last summer/fall. How is it that I could experience what I thought was God's power in confirming my confessions and nothing came to pass the way I thought it would. The job I was believing for or the permanent apartment. I am back at home, broke and more or less penniless. Not the outcome I expected. Was I wrong about it being God's power? This has left me totally confused. Can anyone shed any light on this?

Thank you for all of the responses. They really helped. Jasmine in response to your question, at one point I just hated feeling like an outsider all the time. Someone who could never measure up to what ever it was they said I was supposed to aspire to. I didn't fit the typical "christian" mold i.e be passionate about a ministry, serving in some form in church etc. It drove me nuts and made me feel like if something was wrong with me. Now I realize those feeling are due to unresolved issues in other areas of my life.

So lately, I've found myself disliking or hating certain aspects of "christianity" and certain types of Christian people. To give some background as to how this came about. The last couple years and some of my life have been very challenging and God sustained me through it but needless to say things didn't work out the way I would have hoped and I feel disillusioned and disappointed. It was very hard to see almost everything fall to the ground or feel like if things are always being snatched from under your nose while of course others got everything that you wanted. I have lost all confidence in sermons and religious materials as I feel as though those things just set me up for a fall. Someone said to me that not everything in a sermon is for you and sometimes even if it is, the time may not be right. Okay fine. I can accept that. But the whole experience of having others do crap to you and get away with it and seemingly very little recompense coming my way was very hard to bear. So now I've moved back home which in my heart of hearts I didn't want to do. I find myself kind of secretly being glad when someone who was the poster child of modern day christianity (for me these are people who suscribe to the I work for God look how he has blessed me mentality. I have favour because I'm a child of the king set) and actually has the worldly success to back it up; I enjoy it immensely when they fall. If it is that they dont fall but enjoy some success which could rightly be attributed to them serving God. I find myself feeling hateful. Not a good place to be. I know it's because of my past indoctrination and then the disappointments that followed in the years after. I've prayed and fasted to God about coming out of the emotional darkness I'm in. It has helped. How do I stop this kind of hating? I feel like if I've become one of those awful people who becomes evil after something bad happens to them.

@dreamster Thanks for the advice by the way ..it was very deep and insightful (the emoticons are just for you !)

LOL... I was too polite to say. It's very difficult for me to focus with so many emoticons.

@Cholette: I don't put others on a pedestal necessarily..actually I feel bad sometimes for not expecting much of them anymore...it's just that certain things because you read about them in the bible you expect to experience them and when you don't you wonder what's wrong. Sometimes I feel useless at church. I haven't found where I fit just yet and it's been years. Since I moved to this country...I've been trying to get settled as best as I can for the time I'm here. At first I went to an English speaking church and then I decided that I wanted to integrate and learn the local language better so I went to some french speaking gatherings and was invited to church by someone. I started going to the french speaking church and sometimes I feel so lost. I met a few people but I'm like what good am I to anyone if I can't really communicate at a high level... I met some people during the summer who encouraged me with the discernment thing but I haven't seen them since (not that I've been attending church regularly...a habit I've gotten into that I simply must change but circumstances get in the way sometimes). So right now like I said before..I feel useless...I intend to try to step out and do something in the new year...but I'm nervous about it... @Connie: Sometimes I am satisfied with this...other times I have these moments where I feel as though I'm missing out. I guess when I wrote this post...that is where I was.

HI Cholette, It does help. I know that I have fears about picking the wrong person and issues from my mother's own dysfunctional marriage to my stepfather. I understand what your therapist means but I don't agree 100% because there are those who came form dysfunctional situations and may have even a "visible repellant" and still get married. So I don't think its a case of one size fits all like that's the only reason. I've done the counselling thing. At one point was addicted to counselling. I grew weary of feeling like a project. At the moment I think I am a very jaded person...I don't even trust people at church at anymore and sermons bore me. They are the same thing most of the time. I know that sounds bad. But something happened to me recently that really cut me to the core. I have forgiven but it really impacted my ability to trust other believers because it was a christian who did the deed. It made me wary of others and their heart condition. The last time I went to church the pain from the incident surfaced. I have not been able to shake what happened no matter how I try. I don't sit and think about it, but the wound is still there beneath the surface and I don't know how trust can be restored.

This is going to sound a bit weird but I have been alone for the greater part of my life. I haven't had a lot of friends in my life or been very popular. Even when I thought I had friends they turned out to be frenemies. When I was in high school I didn't fit in and the older I got the harder it got. Back then I compensated by trying to show how smart I was which led to people disliking me because they thought I was arrogant. I only found that out years later. Fast forward to today and it's like I still don't have a lot of friends. I am not the life of the party. Sometimes I have social anxiety and just want to flee from social situations (this is exacerbated by the fact that I am still learning the local language). I see couples and people eating together or hanging out and I ask myself what is wrong with me? Why am I single? Why don't I have a lot of friends like other people seem to? I know that I am not the only one in the situation as it can be hard when you're trying to get settled in a country. But why is it that you pray for friends...and you get one for a time if you're lucky? Am I cursed? Why is it that other people are good at making friends and smiling and doing all of that stuff and I'm not? I've been told that because of the calling God has on my life that I won't have a lot of friends. I think that is utter poppycock. Just because God supposedly has called you to something does that mean that you have to be lonely and can't do what other people do? They say that God is jealous and he desires time with us but does that mean I can't have any friends or that I have to be single? Other christians have lots of friends and have romantic relationships, why can't I? Am I cursed? Any perspective which can be brought to my rant will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much for the advice. It brings a lot of clarity and saves me from making a complete fool of myself. (I don't want to be one of those people who creep others out.)

I've been told based on the experiences I've described to others that I have the gift of discernment. I've been able to sense things on a certain level ever since I got saved. 2 years ago I went to a conference that was really spiritually refreshing and it was like if the gift went off the charts. I started perceiving things at a higher level. I enquired about it and was told I had a prophetic anointing. Whether I fully believe this is another story but the point is that just by looking at people sometimes I see beyond what is there in the physical. It's like I can see the spirit behind the person or their true intentions. Lately it has become a bit more focused and a little less scattered. When I say scattered I mean I used to be sensing all alot of things but didn't know where they were coming from. I still don't know the source of everything but some things are crystal clear. Some weeks ago I stayed with a someone who is taking the same program at the university while I was looking for a new place to live. It was very challenging for me for various reasons but while I was there I was picked up on alot of negative things in the atmosphere coming off individuals even though they were all christians. I had to share a bed with my friend (female) and one night I overheard her praying and it was like if after a while her stress and whatever started to transfer onto me. I even saw by looking at her that there was some kind of spirit afflicting her body. It was like if I could see something on her. After I left her appartment, it took me a while to shake the negative stuff that had tried to latch on to me. For a while after I left her place I didn't want to be around her since I felt weirded out about being in someone's personal space and knowing stuff about them I wouldn't have known otherwise. A couple of days ago I spoke to her for a while and I started sensing all of the spiritual stuff surrounding her life. She is a christian but it's like I was sensing that there is battle surrounding her life. I sensed all of this evil surrounding her like a cloud. And clarity came as to why I'd felt the way I did at the appartment. She was also sick that day. Once again I felt like if stuff was trying to transfer so I don't want to get to close to her. But what do I do with this information? The obvious answer is to pray. But how do I pray when I don't even know the source of what is bothering her? DO I tell her what I picked up? Any advice would be appreciated.

That's great and totally encouraging.

Almost two weeks ago, I posted on a problem I was facing (see the original thread). God came though for me in a way that I didn't quite expect as at first it just didn't seem miraculous enough to me and I was disappointed because I thought I had to end up doing things myself but an older christian friend put it in perspective for me. She said God can respond how he chooses to and he did. I got the keys to 1 piece fully furnished studio on Thursday in nice building not far from where I was living before. It's only temporary as the house manager said that there is a housing shortage and there are no available permanent flats. (I really wish this wasn't the case, I really like it here :S ) So as long as I can come up with the cash I can stay here until the end of October. God also arranged through a rather unpleasant happening for me to be refunded my caution at the other place last night, so I won't be broke for the remainder of the month at least. After than happened, I felt so ashamed of myself. I felt ashamed because I had been kind of murmuring about God's methods and he looked out for me at a time when I was kind of losing heart. What I gained from this experience is that we should always trust God and know that he can respond any way he sees fit. (Now if only I could do this on a consistent basis instead of being so hit or miss :( !!! ) PS: I didn't play the lottery.

Thanks for your advice. I will let you know how things go.

Thanks for your responses. @Cholette, like I said in my post I am not seeking to become rich but I think I started worrying to the point where I was wondering how I would get the money and accomodation. Last week I viewed a flatshare and before I went I was hopeful.However, when I went to the appartment it turned out that my flatmate was going to be a man who is a rock musician. I didn't feel comfortable with that. I had a glance at a few of his books and he had stuff on Krishna and some other weird things. I am very sensitive to that kind of stuff as I believe that having certain things in your home can open the door for the enemy to come in. He said I could move in this week once I signed the contract and paid the deposit. After I shook his hand to say good bye. My hand felt odd. It was as if the centre of my hand was burning. I prayed about it and then discussed it my mother. When I told her he was a rock musician she told me no not to take it because you never know what these people are into. I also had a dream the following night about the pathway near to my appartment building which has some construction going on in real life. I dream that there was this 34 ft hole in the shape of a square and that this big yellow thing like a roller crossed with a truck was gong to fall into if it reversed straight back. Without going into to the rest of the dream I'll just say that this 34ft hole featured twice in that particular dream and I took it as a sign that I shouldn't take the flat. The next day I discussed the matter with a christian friend and she said that the situation wasn't ideal that its not a nice situation for me to sharing a flat with a male. She there are some issues which could arise. The market being what is in this town, it was snapped up and is now off the market. I had texted him anyway to tell him I wasn't going to take it. Now I'm wondering if I didn't turn down God's provision since I'd been praying about it all along. I am wondering if I shouldn't have taken it and then just have to worry about the deposit and rent. What are your thoughts?