I dont know why I am doing what I am doing

[mpriddy777 0]

]size=12]Hello my name Is Mary and I have been a christian my whole life but got sidetracked and into the world from ages 16-23 and then rededicated my life and started to walk with my Lord more securely. However this past May 9th (my 30th) My father passed away at age 53 unexpected and since this has happened I have lost my Zeal I guess you could call it. I am returning to my old ways and I keep saying "I Dont know why I am doing this" and it is soo true. Its like I keep crying out for help for someone to help me and they try so hard to help me but I just dont care anymore not really. Its like when my dad died a piece of me did too. I really want to be back on track like I was I really do because I have seen what God has in store for me and he has shown me many things but I honestly don't know. I am desperate for help but I dont know what for...craziness..I know! I keep telling everyone "I am ok" when actuality I am falling apart inside and clinging to the first thing that brings me any type of comfort. This is how I feel:
Blessings![/size]

[SCGirlyGrl 0]

I know exactly how you feel. I went through that when my dad passed away.

The Lord loves you so much!!!! Death comes not from God, but from the enemy. The devil comes to kill, steal and destroy, but Jesus came that we may have life to the full. Death never entered the picture until Adam and Eve sinned. The Lord first created man to live and walk with him forever.

Cry out to God and tell Him exactly how you feel, verbally, because He already knows. It's no suprise to Him.

Do not give the devil the victory in this situation. It's harder to get back on track once you have slipped. I've been there, and when your emotions are involved, it makes it so much harder.

It's your emotions that are ruling now, not your Sprit Man. Your spirit still wants to be intimate with God. Your emotions are going through turmoil. People go through 5 stages of grief (I borrowed the states from online, but here they are):
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of [color:e5e3=blue! important][color:e5e3=blue! important]divorce

, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the [color:e5e3=blue! important][color:e5e3=blue! important]spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-[color:e5e3=blue! important][color:e5e3=blue! important]Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a [color:e5e3=blue! important][color:e5e3=blue! important]marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the [color:e5e3=blue! important][color:e5e3=blue! important]pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

I would encourage you to find a Christian counselor like your Pastor to help you through the grief. God loves you so very much! Don't give up on Him!

Father, in the name of Jesus, I pray peace and comfort over your child. May she come out of this valley of time feeling your love and comfort with her. You have promised to never leave nor forsake us, and we are so thanful for that. Send those her way to help her, and allow her to be honest with them. You knew what it was like to experience grief when you lost John. So, Father comfort her as only you can. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen!

[Cholette 0]

I agree with SCgirlygirl.

I would also like to add that you need to give yourself permission to grieve. Sometimes we act out our grief instead of just sitting down and just letting it out. It's sort of a way that we suppress it. Whatever you are doing is just a way for you to grieve. Once you go to the Lord, as Scgirlygirl suggested, just cry and allow the Lord to heal you while you are in his presence...that's what he's there for.

God sees your heart and KNOWS you desire to NOT do what you are doing. He's not judging you for it because it's not your actions he's looking at...it's your heart. Jesus has already justified you so there is no condemnation to what you are doing. God loves you, despite your actions.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? ³³ Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...³⁷Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. (Romans 8:31-36,37)

Blessings to you and peace to you!!!

[Nyagali 0]

Thank you for sharing on here. I'm 53 this year and my daughter is 30 soon too. It brings to reality what you shared. I know she would fall apart if the Lord took me this year too. We never know the number of days of life we get to live here. It's a tough age to lose a parent...I've lost both and age makes no difference.

I think the thing to remember overall is that God doesn't look at our performance. He loves you just as you are. He knows your personality, your every hair on your head. We look at our actions and judge them by those days when all seemed so good between us and God. God doesn't look at our actions, as has been said, he paid the price. We are harder on ourselves than God is on us. I'm not excusing actions, but God's love and blood has it all covered. Our part is just to experience Jesus. It isn't complicated. Just talk to him, keep coming back...but you don't need to rededicate. You are already HIS!! Would you ever not be your own father's daughter no matter what action you took? Of course not. Our Father in Heaven, who dwells in you, also will never reject you. Just keep talking to him, and yes, goodness girl, it's only a few days...grieving can take a full year...and more for some.
joy

[debb castro 0]

Hi Marry.....I Know your loss hurts very much ..my husband was gone suddenly in one weekend in nov2008 my children in their 20s were devastated....i myself have found myself doing dumb things .. but you as i must remember our God is a God that loves and is there no matter how alone we feel I did such a dumb thing that my children an friends have turned their backs on me ,,but The Lord has not and he will not: I know this but some times it doesn't feel that way: i needed to search out a way to connect with the Lord and it is defiantly in worship. no matter how much you feel unworthy to be in His presents there is comfort there... I have been running on the beach with worship music it took a while to get connected on my part but once i got there it was wonderful i'm not saying that all is perfect but I am going forward and you can too He is there for you He will never leave you or forsake you 2tim 2 11-13 comes to mind for you
NLT this is a trustworthy saying if we die with him, we will also live with him if we endure hardship we will reign with him if we deny him he will deny us. IF WE ARE UNFAITHFUL HE REMAINS FAITHFUL,for he cannot deny who he is
You are not alone He is there for you in more ways than you can imagine his arms are open wide to you....in Christ love...... Debb

[debb castro 0]

Oh ..PS OUR GOD IS THE GOD OF RESTORATION...HE IS THE RESTORER OF OUR SOUL SPIRIT AND LIFE WITH HIM

[Nyagali 0]

Oh Debb, thank you for sharing. Out of ashes comes beauty. Our Lord is so wonderful. He is so faithful! Praise God!
Joy

[GoldenEagle 0]

Mary, just rest. Don't push yourself too hard or try to be perfect. My Dad died in his 50s (I was 29) and people kept saying, 'don't you just feel the comfort of the LORd right now?'. I didn't - that's not lack of faith, it was how I felt. You'll go through a journey and all sorts of feeling and it'll take the time it takes.

Much, much love,

Eve