Still Struggling...

[lithiumkat 0]

I'm still having so much problems coping. My boyfriend of about a year was in prison for 3 years before we met, nothing scary as far as why, but was on parole the whole time we'd been dating. He'd gotten into some trouble and wound up living at the Parole Office after a long string of events which he supposedly stole his roommates last 20 dollars they caught him on video police got called he ran from the cops cuz he was scared of getting locked up. Going through his stuff provides evidence that he was possibly unfaithful to me as well, something we've had a problem with before but I thought was cleared up.

He's in jail now, where I can't really talk to him or see him, right before Xmas, our 1 year anniversary. This has taken a huge toll on my self esteem, my mood, my whole life. I feel like all of a sudden I'm out here alone and lost. And we are supposedly bumping it down to being "friends" but he loves me, he wants to be together when he's out of whatever mess he's in, etc etc.

I have bipolar disorder that seems to be majorly triggered by emotional blows, and this is a huge one. I cry all the time, I'm sad all the time. I'll cry during a song, or randomly and be unable to stop. I feel ridiculous. I feel alone and unwanted, I feel invisible and ignored. I feel ugly. I wonder if it's because I had gained weight that he was maybe unfaithful or even if he was because he tells me that nothing happened. I'm so confused, I don't know how to feel or what to think.

I still love him, I find out tonight he just found out his dad has colon cancer, and hes stuck in there and I can't help him and I feel so alone and useless and lost. I feel like I have no purpose, I have nothing to do with myself, my phone is like a ghost without him to be calling me or texting me throughout the day. And I go visit him Sunday. Parts of me are so angry at him I could explode, how could he have put me in this position how could he have done this to us...to me?? And parts of me love him and know that no matter what happens he is my best friend, the best I've ever had, I've never had a connection on all levels with someone like him and I love him fiercely and feel he is mine and I know he loves me no matter what stupid rubbish he does and that matters and I know he thinks I'm beautiful and smart and worthy, and if I am truly these things....now that I'm "single" or whatever and have this freedom that I didn't want, need or ask for that I wish I didn't have, no one else seems to notice or appreciate these things. I dress up to be very cute for work...work on my hair, makeup, clothes choice to hope some cute guy will flirt or give me a number to make me feel better and no.

No one notices because no one looks. no one sees, no one cares. And all I want is Antoine back......I can be doing anything and if I think about him....his eyes, the way he laughs, his smell, that adorable smile, the way he hugs me, how it's perfect, the songs we liked to listen to together, the things we would do everyday together, shows that were ones we watched together and I just feel like the more and more I think of us together and that we aren't now....the more I start falling apart.

And I don't know where I'm going with this....but I feel like sort of as if I'm drowning sometimes.....and I just keep swallowing this oceanwater and choking........

[myladyyawo 0]

I really feel for your situation hun, it sounds terrible that you've gone threw something that makes you feel this way about yourself. In my opinion no one should feel like that because of someone. I think that you deserve better than that. I think there are maybe some things that you are no aware of, it could be that you feel so connected to him that you don't notice some of his flaws. No matter what, do not think that he cheated on you (if he did) because of gaining a little weight. When men cheat, it's not because of something we do, it is because of their own insecurities and impulses. Honestly no matter how close you feel to him or how much you love him, no relationship should tear you down like this. I think you honestly need to love yourself a bit more, and think about how much worth you really have! You don't need someone to make you feel that way find it within you! You are a beautiful girl, and it seems you have a big heart. If you are searching for attention, try not worrying about it, thats honestly not what will make you feel better. Focus on making yourself feel good first. Talk to some friends or family about your stress and you will feel better. I've heard it takes about half the time of dating someone to get over them, so it won't be easy. Just don't let anyone make you feel useless or not enough.

This is just my opinion hun, just stay strong and be positive. Try not to dwell on the bad, do some things to make yourself feel good.

[kasijab 0]

Sarah you're a beautiful person, inside and out. You have to believe this and know if he did cheat on you it was most definitely NOT your fault.
Have you been to speak to your doctor/counsellor ...someone who will just sit and listen whilst you pour it all out?? I really do think you need to talk to someone about this and not bottle it all up inside yourself. I'm sure you're mum does her very best, but sometimes a stranger is easier to talk to.
Above all, as mylady says above you must start to love yourself and know what you are....a very confident, loving , beautiful and caring person.
I know it sounds cliched ..but things will get better with time.
Big hugs to you

[Tiddly Winks 0]

It is very difficult to be in a situation with someone who has to deal with their own fate, but when it affects your self esteem and the way you feel about yourself, then what is being done is a grave injustice. I am sorry to read that you are dealing with so much during this time of year.

The others have pretty much said what I would say so I will simply say go and speak to a trained professional and let them help you. I wish there was more I could say, but there really isn't. Hang in there.

[lea75 0]

Sarah....you are a fantastic person..inside and out....you just need time to realise that for yourself.

What has happened has not happened because of anything you have done, and you are not being punished or tested in anyway.

I'm not going to rabbit on too much here hun....I think I do that enough in pm's lol

You have a lot of people who care about you (and you know that includes me) and that is because of the wonderful person you are.
Keep talking, keep smiling, and keep taking little steps....you will get to where you want to be...happy again

Huge hugs xxx

[lithiumkat 0]

Some days are better than others. I'm still plugging along. Sometimes it helps just getting it out, I guess like Dumbledore and the Pensieve for those of you that are Potter fans like me lol.

Day by day really, some are good some are maybe not. But there's always tomorrow and hey...I like that Annie song too!! lol.

Lea you'll love this...I've been listening to some 80's classics along with classic rock like from the 70's but....I have loved this one forever! Helps everytime!!

I been through a desert on a horse. it felt good to be out of the rain.

What helps the most is people like you guys caring! Thanks, it means a whole lot.



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[Benita 0]

I bet a lot of people notice when you dress nicer than usual, and put in an extra effort on your hair or appearance. Why they don't tell you is on them, not you. I've never been in a situation like yours, but I did have a really really really good friend I used to hang out with. He wanted us to be a couple, but I said I didn't want to. I did, though, I just told him I didn't because I knew he was still in love with his old girlfriend, which pretty much sucked. Besides, she was sort of my friend too. Now she's just being a b**ch to me, which is so unfair, because I never did anything to get him, and they're still together even! I can't believe how many times I sat by the phone, wanting to call him, hoping he'd call me, telling me they were done, and that all he wanted was me. He never did, and eventually I had to do something; I could ether tell him how I felt, or completely cut him out of my life. I did none of that, I just kept my mouth shut. Eventually the desires and illusions of him went way. Okay, it was when he tried to get with me while his girlfriend was out of the country. I totally lost respect for him, I mean, who would want a boyfriend that hits on other women? But now I don't know what's happened, and it sucks! Because I feel I've done the right thing, letting them be together, but whenever I meet them together, they dismiss me. When I meet him alone, we can talk and laugh like we used to. When I meet her, even come up to her and give her a hug, she just ignores me. That's why she's a b**ch to me, and I don't call people b**ches for no reason. Actually she's the only one I've ever called a b**ch.
ANYWAYS, I hope in some wierd way, maybe you found this useful. Sometimes, all that is needed for someone to feel better, is for someone else to show their own life's sucky side.

[Harmzy 0]

Ohhhhhhhh I feel very sad for you I sunk into depression a year ago. It seemed like noone cared or noticed I was here, and I also thought my husband didn't want me anymore. I found the strength and courage to get up and speak to a counselor. She opened my eyes alot. Beforehand, I always told myself "nah I don't need to go to counselling". But in reality, and deep down I knew I needed some form of help. I did not want to carry on living in depression and waking up each morning wondering what I'd cry about this time. I do suggest to go see a counselor Sarah, they will be a great relief. Knowing that they are the type of people you can cry too, let your emotions out and they will not judge you or push you away. I also read a few books on Self confidence just to help me out alittle. Taking up hobbies also kept my mind off feeling sad and miserable. I got into Scrapbooking, crosswords, writing poems, reading, and often I would turn up the music loud and dance around Focus on the positive things in life. Think positive, keep busy, always have goals to work towards, because everybody needs a goal, without them, what the hell are we still living for? That's my thoughts I hope you do succeed in building up the positive side of you and please don't hang on to a guy if you have any sort of doubts about him. If a man cheats, he is truly capable of doing it again I'm not saying he will, but you will always think of the first time he did it, and that thought will stay with you, and you will always have a deep sadness in you because of it.

[lithiumkat 0]

Thank you guys.

Benita thanks for sharing something you've gone through with me, it does help to be able to relate to others about things that get us down, especially in that dept. so it does help indeed sharing it with me.

Harmzy, it's gotten better. I have also developed that keep busy thing. I do see a psych doctor and I'm on meds, If it becomes unmanageable I already have a number of a counseling place I'm registered at and if I truly needed it I know my parents would pay for me to go if I called and made an appointment, so the option really is wide open there for me.

You make an excellent point at the end girl, however, I gotta stick this one out because I'd hate to be wrong and make the wrong choice and regret it. He truly is my best friend, I need him in my life right now and he needs me, we both love one another. I'm going to see what happens here. I'm not naive completely though, I'm well aware it could backfire and willing to deal with the consequences if so.

Right nwo we write frequently, talk on the phone when possible, and every Sunday I get to go visit him for 20 minutes, but it's only a 15 minute drive there, so its worth it to me. I have to try, the prospect of trying I can handle, but the prospect of not trying just makes me start to fall apart. So we'll see what happens, I'm being ready for worst, hoping for best. And I've also been following some of your advice in trying to focus on positive things in mylife. I've been doing this and it seems to work pretty good.

I'm doing better lately *hugs*

[MaMaShiShi 0]

Glad to hear you are doing better lately. Don't know how long you have been on meds, but bipolar disorder is an ongoing thing, so it is good you have the resources and a doctor to see should you need to talk to a professional or adjust medications. From what I have been told from friends who are bipolar, it can take time to get the right balance of medication that works, and it's different for everyone.

It sounds to me you are aware of your feelings, and what can trigger bouts of depression. That is half the battle right there - just being aware of it, and learning how to cope. Talking it out with someone is great - your opening up even on this list - sharing with someone, that helps so much to talk about it - good for you! Journaling can help too - keeping a diary - build yourself up with positive quotes, or poems or prayers. On good days, you'll find it's pretty easy to write positive words. On bad days, you might find comfort in what you've written on better days.

Do what you can to build yourself up. You are someone special, and beautiful and important in your own right. Though a boyfriend makes you feel special and beautiful and loved—you need to have an identity and purpose apart from having a boyfriend. If you are at a time in your life when you're not sure of yourself and your purpose, then start looking into that—invest your time in you, in figuring out yourself and your direction in life.

I have to agree with the others who caution you about staying with a boyfriend who might be cheating on you. I also advise caution because he's been in jail a couple times already. We all make mistakes, and it can be honorable to 'stand by your man'—but if he tends to get in trouble and has been unfaithful to you (and if the problem is not 'cleared up'), you'd be better off without him.

Make your boundaries. It is OK to protect yourself and your emotions. He may be your best friend, but does it work both ways? Are you his best friend? Does he treat you like a best friend? It may be heartbreaking to let him go and just be 'friends' and not a couple, but that also may help you see whether the relationship is a positive one for you or not.

Hugs to you my dear girl. I do hope the best for you!