Cafe Racer Constructor's Handbook

[Fallen Angel 0]

Found this while searching for something else and it made me laugh lots so thought I'd share...

The origins of the cafe racer are buried in 1950s culture, the world was emerging from the depression of the second world war, young people were getting increasing amounts of money and the motorcycle was changing from a cheap means of transport for the poor to a means of showing off for the new young rich. The pill had not been invented and so the cafe racer was a representation of youth rebellion and contraception.

The Youth rebellion on both sides of the Atlantic took different but similar routes. In the UK which is a small Island they developed a motorcycle which could not be ridden for more than 3 minutes without severe cramps or injury but endowed it with a 6 gallon tank which is sufficient to travel the length of the Island. In America which is almost a continent they developed a motorcycle which could cruise comfortably from state to state then put a 2 pint tank on it so the looks would not be spoiled.

The essence of a cafe racer is therefore as follows.

1 It must crush the riders gonads as much as possible in as many was as possible so that condoms arn’t necessary, therefore making the rider extremely attractive to the opposite or maybe even the same sex.

2 It must annoy as many people as possible in as many ways as possible before it breaks down or blows up and has to be rebuilt.

There were many aspects to the perfect cafe racer and these are detailed briefly below, performance was not important but being cool was everything therefore the design parameters of the perfect cafe racer differed from the normal racer in many ways.

1. ENGINE
This of course should be noisy in every way. The job of the engine is three fold
1.1 to put the maximum amount of unburned fuel into the exhaust to produce backfires.
1.2 to transfer oil from the sump to the combustion chamber in order to produce smoke
1.3 to produce some residual power for forward motion approximately once per month.

The Engine had many parts all of which had potential "cool" value which can be explained below.

2.1 Pistons. Pistons had to be of high compression crowned type with massive valve cut outs. The high compression and cut outs were not a performance feature they were to induce pre ignition so that the engine ran on after the owner turned off the ignition and walked away.
2.2 Pistons.... had to be fitted with worn rings and all oil scraper rings were removed to allow maximum transfer of oil from the sump to the exhaust.
2.3 Valves..... Valves should be big enough to allow small coins to pass straight through.
2.4 Rockers..... At least one rocker should be lightened with a grinder showing a knife edge for high rev performance. To view this, the relevant rocker box cover was omitted which allowed people to view and oil to be thrown everywhere.
2.5 Cams....Cams should be as wild as possible, this is not a performance feature but to fill the exhaust with fuel and then ignite it on the over run (more later)
2.6 Timing.....some cafe racers experimented with electronic ignition but this proved reliable and reduced backfires and so was rarely used. Timing covers were always of the alloy finned type to dissipate the massive heat generated on a 3 minute blast.
2.6 Clutch....The clutch was rarely used but was fitted with springs from a WW2 truck suspension the object was to pull the wrist tendons of any none owner who tried to use it.
2.7 Gearbox. A Quaife close ratio 5 speed with high ratio rear sprocket was the minimum but not for performance. Cafe racers had to leave a cafe and get to thye next set of lights /roundabout in 1 gear so the noise slowly increases to agonising levels. On arrival at a cafe the cafe racer must change gear as many times as possible in a few seconds deafening and blinding customers with backfires and sheets of flame from the exhaust.
2.8 tuning .........All cafe racers were tuned to maximise their annoyance, sometimes this reduced performance but it was a price worth paying.
2.8.1 Carburettors, all joints were loosened to leak petrol over everything. The idle jet was blocked so the owner had to rev the engine constantly.
2.8.2 Carburettors were fitted with velocity stacks or bell mouths on extended inlet stubs this was nothing to do with gas flow but to collect loose coins and keys from the rider and suck in the gonads of anyone foolish enough to hang off the seat. Extended inlet stubs showed off the carbs and made seating difficult they were 100% cool.
2.8.3 Machining ....all joined surfaces were machined to ensure they leaked, a leaking engine was known to be "tuned" The Cylinder head had to be machined to induce pre ignition, cause a leak and ensure the tappets could never be correctly adjusted.
2.8.4 Sump plug. The sump plug never leaked, ever. Oil was removed from the engine past the gaskets and piston rings, removing the sump plug as a last resort brought ridicule to the owner.
2.9 Exhaust
The exhaust was the most important part of a cafe racer It had to produce massive noise, collect unburned fuel for backfires, leak at every joint to give the owner a smokescreen at traffic lights. A correctly adjusted exhaust would allow the police to follow a cafe racer without actually moving.
2.9.1 Lubrication.... Cafe racers had to run on Castrol "R" because its stinks and leaves a blue cloud. Parking at a traffic light would fill the car behind with a blue haze for the deafened owners to sit in. Castrol R was the final back up in case police couldn’t find the bike by noise or vibration.

3 Brakes
3.1 Front brake ... must be as big as possible but the only important part of the front brake was the scoop, this had to be big enough to fill the drum with grit and ensure an annoying squeal if ever it was used. In wet weather the scoop should fill the drum with water to allow steam to come out when the bike stops.
3.2 Front brakes had to be 4 leading shoe so the rider had something to adjust outside the cafe. The lever had to be adjusted so that only a baboon with 7inch thumbs could operate it (to compensate for brake fade)
3.3 Rear brakes had to as small as possible and modified by machining to lock whenever used, this proved the rider was on the "edge".
4.3 Petrol tank. This was the key part of a cafe racer. It had many functions.
4.3.1 To stretch the rider out so that all his weight was on his gonads.
4.3.2 To provide a barrier ensuring every time the brake is pressed the riders gonads are crushed.
4.3.3 To hold a weeks wages in petrol (cafe racers were very active but little known traders on the energy exchanges) All cafe racers had the tank secured with a leather strap to allow the rider to rescue his weeks wages if it fell over. If a cafe racer could be picked up with the tank still on it had been badly put together.
4.3.4 Alloy tanks were heavier than standard but allowed the owner to admire the blonde birds chest without being slapped.
4.3.5 fibreglass tanks were light and really cool, knowing you could be engulfed in flames at any time marked you as a danger man.
4.3.6 All tanks were there to minimise steering lock, this was to make everybody move away while you did a 60 point turn to get out of the car park. The ultimate cafe racers could not negotiate small roundabouts they were the true rocket ships.
5.1
Electrics
5.1.all electrical connections were badly soldered so they broke after a few minutes
5.1.1 Headlight, the headlight must have a massive dish, cafe racers were patriotic and carried a searchlight about in case a Heinkel 111 tries a sneak attack. The bulb was only ever fitted for the MOT test. In actual use the headlight had a Christmas fairy light, anything brighter meant you were frightened of the dark and couldn’t remember your way around town which wasn’t cool at all.
5.2 The rear light was never connected to any switches, all cafe racers had the ignition wired into the rear brake switch in some way this could mean boiling the battery or shorting the capacitors. The rear running light however was on all the time and operated as a red strobe flashing at engine speed.

6.1 Riding position had to be agonising at all times, body weight could only be carried on the gonads and wrists, the neck should be bent so far that forward vision was restricted to 30 seconds every 5 minutes. Footrests were adjusted to cut off blood supply to the feet and make sure brakes and gears couldn’t be operated without pressing gonads into the oil filler cap.

To summarise, the perfect cafe racer should render parenthood impossible after 3 minutes, annoy everyone within 3 miles of the rider, leave a trail of oil smoke petrol and rubber to allow the police to stop the rider. If a cafe racer is not stopped by the police within 3 minutes and the rider asked "who do you think you are Geoff Duke" it has been badly constructed. If a cafe racer is still running on both cylinders and hasn’t crashed after 4 minutes it is not a cafe racer at all.

[madsod 0]

I like it

[BanditMike 0]

Like that

[streetfighter 0]

like it to

[dick65 0]

nice one

[Stue11 0]

[Oldfart 0]

Had one like that in the 60's.. Oops showing my age!!!