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Oldfart

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About Oldfart

  • Birthday 12/14/1946
  1. http://i1123.photobucket.com/albums/l547/TheBiker1946/Daves%20Ride2_zpsdimy2mio.jpg
  2. Feel sorry for all those affected. It will take years to rebuild their lives and communities
  3. It has been discovered Cow & Gate have alcohol inside their milk formula for babies. That's my only explanation for Justin Bieber's drink driving charge.
  4. Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick
  5. Oldfart

    Quickies

    Paddy goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar." !! Local Transport Authorities come up with a miraculous invention to help women drivers It's called a bus ticket A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't", she replied. "Well," he spoofed, 'there's a building here in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't even crack a smile. Oh, well. At least I tried", he thought. But about five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she suddenly burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked her. "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!" When asked what she wanted for her birthday the wife replied "something that will make my knickers wet" New washing machine it is then!
  6. MEN BEWARE . . . This Chinese new year is the Year of the Horse, so be prepared . . . Nag Nag Nag . . How ironic,I just downloaded the JobCentre Plus app and it doesn't work. I've just released my own fragrance. But no one on this bus seems to like it. I married my wife for her long legs and big tits. Now she has long tits and big legs. Watching TV with my wife on Saturday night, I realised the exact moment I didn't want to be with her any more. "Those numbers again, in numerical order are 6, 10, 26, 32, 35 and 44. bonus ball 37" Our window cleaner doesn't half do a thorough job. Twice I've come home in the past month to find him cleaning the inside of our bedroom window,whilst embarrassingly my wife is still in bed. It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman... it doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard. Justin Bieber goes to jail. Writes "Free JB" in protest on his cell wall. Then learns his cellmate is dyslexic. My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?" I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her." He said, "So what happened?" I said, "Nothing. The idiot missed and hit your Mother."
  7. Oldfart

    Saying Hello

    Welcome to the forum
  8. I'm off to the in-laws in Brazil next Xmas. I'll let you know if he's still alive!!!
  9. I see we gave millions to help the poor in Indonesia (I think) Then the countries leader built himself a 17m pound palace. Must be kiss arse politics. About time we looked after our own.
  10. I want one that smells of 'Castrol R' ....
  11. You must get out more Chad...
  12. Many thanks to all of you for your birthday wishes
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