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renaemrgn

in need of a little faith

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I feel like i am sinking in my sins if that makes any sense. Its like i am in a cell as a prisoner with no hope of ever having my freedom again. There is no light in this cell only darkness engulfing me, suffocating me. I have been feeling this way for about 8 months now. It all started the same day i went into labour with my daughter. I remember being in the delivery room and swearing because my contractions where so painful. I remember the look of disappointment on my mothers face, like i should be quiet and bare the pain which i did. On top of that, i had post partum depression for the first 3 months really bad. I was depressed wanted to die. I went to a psychologist and recieved medication but my family made me feel like i was a bad person because they didnt think i had a problem. That i should be happy with my newborn daughter. I felt like my feelings were being ridiculed. Then the last straw, I wasn't going to see my mother for thanksgiving because my daughters father and i were having some problems and my heart wasn't in the thanksgiving mode. She called and left a message saying that if my daughters father and his family tried to take my daughter away from me that she would support them...all because i didn't want to come see her for thanksgiving. I should get over it but it still hurts, makes me wonder if i am that bad of a person that deserves such a horrible fate. I guess that's my whole problem, my mom. I am still trying to gain her approval to get her to love me. She says she loves me, but i don't feel it especially when she says things that really hurt. I remember once she said she used to beat me because she wanted to see me cry. Another time when i was contemplating whether or not i wanted to go through with having my daughter, she said she wouldn't talk to me anymore if i had an abortion. I know she means well and I love her to death because she is my mother. I have to respect, love and care for her because she choose to have me. i just wish that all these things she says she feels for me (love, proud) that i actually felt them. That all of my actions weren't a constant disappointment to her. I am trying to let go of the way i feel but i have the scar that will always be there. Everytime i look at it i remember that i will never be good enough for my mother. And if i am not good enough for her it must be the same way for god. My mother once told me that even with our worst mistakes that god will still love us, and use us. But i dont know.

So please if anyone reads this just pray for me that i'll find a way to let go and trust in god completely because i need to be healed. I don't want to cry anymore, i don't want to feel less that what i am. I don't want to feel that every bad that happens in my life i deserve it. I need to believe that my being on this earth is worth something more than my tears of pain.

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Father God,

I lift up our sister in Christ renaemrgn and thank you for her! I thank you that you were with her each and every step of her decissions. Thank you that she chose to have her duaghter. I understand persecustion from my family Lord and how difficult that can be. Thank you Lord to teach her to let go. It is difficult but you helped me and I know you can help her. Thank you for showing her how to lay it all at the feet of Jesus. Thank you for showing her that all the pain, agony and stress can go with the problem at your feet and you will fill our heart with joy. Teach her how to forgive them and herself. Thank you for reminding her that you paid the price so she would not have to and that in your eyes she is perfect. Thank you for giving her strength to carry on when she feels weak. Thank you that the enemy is under your feet and thank you for reminding us that he is a liar and a thief and will use any means he can to discourage us. Thank you for reminding us who we are in you! Father, we give you all the praise, glory and honor you are due! In Jesus name we pray, amen.

your servant, Connie praying praying praying

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Thank you Connie. I almost started crying while reading your prayer. I hope that i will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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Renaemrgn,

Believe it to be so and it will be so! Using our faith.....believing in things hope for as though they were. You can do it! I have confidence in you and so does the Father. Willing to pray anytime....glad to be of help.

Love in Jesus,

Connie huggins

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