About To Be 21...

[sC0rCh3d 0]

i'm about to turn 21 and i still have no life in me, no peace, no joy...ever.


allow me to explain through a series of emotional sentences:


I STILL live with my parents!


My dad STILL tells me what to do regarding EVERYTHING! I've never felt independent or like a man, and as long as this continues, I never will.


I STILL have NO FRIENDS(not one or two good people) No, ZERO! <<< 20 years without friends.


Food, Drink, Technology, Money....if you have NO FRIENDS...that stuff DOES NOT matter...although, I TRY to FILL THE VOID with food, which since everything else is NOT bad enough...i now have MAJOR health problems due to poor eating.


^^^ This is so hurtful.


I have had 6 jobs up to this point, NONE of which lasted a year, only one lasted 7 months but i HATED every god forsaken second of it...only to just get LET GO. Not that I minded that one bit, but as always, I just got LET GO...i'm nothing. Regarding my employment history...I always got either let go or fired, fired because someone was rude to me and my reaction was "Unethical."


^^^ All this SHOULD have caused me to commit suicide 10-15 times over by now, but i have never had the will power.


it's VERY painful yet...i'm just SO NUMB, I can't even cry.


but it still hurts.


why has God closed the doors of freedom and blessing to me?

[lola21st 2]

Resolution -

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I can sense the pain that you're feeling through your words, although I realize that I can't begin to really understand the depth of the pain that you're in.

You're caught up in the devastating feelings of hurt and doubt. In the middle of hurt and doubt, it's hard to see things clearly. It's hard to see God in the midst of this. It's easy to feel like God has abandoned you. And this is the moment when the enemy comes in and amplifies your feelings of hurt by telling you lies about your worthiness, lies about your ability to be blessed, lies about God's love for you.

Your question regarding why God has closed of freedom and blessing to you reminds me of Job. When Job was in the midst of his trial, he said the following:

Job 23:8-9 (New International Version)
8 "But if I go to the east, he is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find him.

9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.

The thing that Job learned (and that you will learn once you are on the other side of this valley) is that God is real and He loves you deeply even though you can't see, hear, nor feel Him right now.

While I believe the depression that you're in and the hurt you are feeling are very real, I also believe that you're vulnerable to the lies of the enemy during this period in your life. It's when we're down that he will come and whisper custom designed lies and tell us that we're unworthy, that we're unloveable and that God would never love us nor bless us. He then tempts us with the personalized sin that we struggle with and, more than we care to admit it, we fall into his trap and we sin. Then we feel guilty about the sin forgetting that we can reach out to God with a repentant heart and be forgiven. Overcome by guilt and feeling unworthy of God's love and sure that He's abandoned us because of what we did, we repeat the sin cycle. And at that moment, the enemy wins because the wages of sin is death. BUT remember that the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23) Jesus not only wants us to live but He wants a better life for us:

John 10:10 (New King James Version)

10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

I know you're probably sick of people throwing scripture at you right now, nonetheless, I hope something I've said touches your soul and gives you some measure of encouragement. And I commend you...I know others in earlier posts have told you to have faith and trust God but it's your faith that led you to this site...and given the struggles that you are dealing with now it's clear that your faith must be strong in order for you to have dealt with all that you're dealing with....

My concern right now is that you're alone (save for cyber friends like us) and you're hurting deeply. You shouldn't bear this burden alone, it can be overwhelming as you are seeing/feeling right now. Who can you reach out to? You mentioned your father, but not your mother...is she a part of your life? Are there any other relatives that you can talk to? Do you go to church? Is there a pastor, youth ministry leader, biblical counselor, prayer leader, men's ministry leader that you can talk to?

If none of the above are doable, then you have to reach out to someone and you may have to pick up a phone or get an email referral to someone that you can talk to live. Here are some resources:

www.newlife.com - Steve Arterburn has a wonderful, practical Christian counseling ministry. Please, please, please check out this website. He has a radio counseling program that you could call in to to get some answers to your questions as well as a referral to Christian counselors in your area. He also has a series of workshops, books, articles on the website that deal with depression as well as other struggles that you are dealing with. If you don't check any other site out, check this one.

I don't know where you're at emotionally right now, so am including the following sites because you're depressed and because you've contemplated suicide before:

http://www.christian-depression.org/cdp/sayings-xtn.php
I like this site because it lists all those things that well intentioned Christians (like myself) say with the best of intentions but, well...miss the mark....

http://www.walking-wounded.net/html/christians___suicide__suicidal.html

http://forms.christiananswers.net/personalcrisis/

Resolution, I hope that either through these sites or through someone you talk to that you find the tools that will assist in healing you from your pain. But what happens is dependent on you taking the next step. Please continue to use this website to chat, discuss, vent, etc. but don't use it as a substitute for face to face interaction, please seek the help of others in your local community.

I will keep you in my prayers and pray that God would reveal Himself to you and assure you of His love for you and thank Him for the healing that He's going to do in your life.

God bless you!

Lurdys

[Dove-Solutions 0]

I could not agree more with Lurdys here. One thing I would like to note.

Concentrate on the Word (which is Jesus Christ) and be faithful to ask Him for His help. I know that you said you seek Him, but the tough questions is are you listening. Sometimes we get so upset with our circumstances that we can't hear Him and then blame Him because we were not listening. I would encourage you to look for the good things of life. The Lord knows the heart and we must have a heart to know Him. Remember it is not about us but has everything to do with Him! Oh by the way, we are all your friends. God never leaves us without the things we need.

Love in Christ,

Connie

[RnestseekR 0]

Hello Dear Brother. Thank you for your honesty and humility about who you are. I have confided with you in the past about a major sin I have been dealing with but never confided what it was: for me, it is lack of self-control in my eating. Friend, the world doesn't necessarily see this as a problem, but you and I have felt the reprocussions! You remind me of my brother. He just tunred 30 and although he does not live with his parents, he does rent his home from me, has limited TRUE friendships and feels that he has so much left in life to live, but no one to share that with. You know I have been praying for you??? Because you remind me so much of my real brother.
He too feels like an outcast because of the prophet personality that he has. No one understands this and he feels rejected from society too. You are loved and embraced here. Jesus sees you as one of value and worth. I am currently reading Jeremiah - LONG, dry book, but take solace from him: he was thrown in a cistern, purposely asked to make questionable financial decisions, held in prison and house arrests all for the sake of God. BUT GOD SPOKE TO HIM AS HE DID VERY FEW OTHERS.
Just wanted you to know that you were seen today! Rnestseekr

[sC0rCh3d 0]

thank you for praying



however, nothing ever changes.

[RnestseekR 0]

Resolution:
Chalk this up to me being a psychiatric nurse and forgive me if I step on your toes. Are you suicidal currently? Even if you do not have a plan, or, as you say, "the willpower" to carry out a plan, are you having what is called "suicidal ideation", which means that you are definitely toying with the idea.
Shoot straight, please. MP me if you want.
RnestseekR