Low-Self Esteem issues....I can't do nothing but look on the mirro and cry and can't forget!!

[UNLIMITEDLOVE 0]

Dear Friends,

Every since, I was 12 years old. I have always wanted to become a model. After, I graduated from High School, I went to Arizona to take modeling classes. I was number #1 in my class. The teacher loved me. She thought I was beautiful and humble, I was gonna audition for the movie Esther, but the Lord called me to return to California and so I did. I decided to enroll to college, and there I met my husband who persuid me for seven months. Until eventually I decided to date him, to make the story short I got pregnant, he wanted me to abort, but I said no. I don't believe in abortion. We decided to marry after that because his pastor said, that if we were going to be together we needed to get married and so we did. The seven months of marriage was trouble, he would verbally abuse me, as well as physically. Then he wanted to divorce me, because I was afraid of him and I stopped loving him, but still remained in the marriage thinking that is what the Lord wanted. When I had my son my body got damage, I gained 200lbs and took me a year and 1/2 to go back to how I was, but my body wasn't the same. I began seeing the changes in my body, and my modeling dream, I felt it was over...I cried, and my husband didn't care. He asked for the divorce..we waited 7 months without speaking to eachother, then he used me and said he didn't want the divorce anymore and I thought it was the Lord restoring our marriage. So, I told him with the condition that we both get counseling and he gets help with his abusive behavior, he said yes, and he used me for sex, a month later said he wanted the divorce and we filed. He said he wanted the divorce to focus in the NBA, GOD, AND SCHOOL. The Lord told me it was because there was another girl he was interested in. He destroyed my self-esteem. I am only 24 and my body looks like if I had 4 kids when I only have one. I can't even go outside or go out because of feel sooo ugly. And to top it off he finally confessed he had a gf but he is not fornicating. I think to myself, WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING YET SUFFERING FOR EVERYTHING, AND HE IS DOING THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THE LORD WANTED AND HE IS LIVING HAPPY!!. I feel like my dream for modeling is over, and I want to forgive him, I pray to the Lord and I stay on my knees until I feel better, but why do I keep feeling like I am ugly. Like I will never model again...I don't want to hate him......I tried eating healthy to restore my body but I can't. Surgery is the only option but I don't have money, I am a college student, single mom, unemployed, and I been like this for the past 8 months....there are times when I just wish JESUS came so I can make this pain go away....

[renaemrgn 0]

I know exactly how you are feeling. But honestly you just have to trust in God, talk to him on a daily basis. Tell him how you feel deep inside. If you have to yell, scream and cry to him, then do that. I'm 23, a single mom, who doesn't have a college education and I hate looking at my body. I tried to eat healthy but I just got depressed. The thing that has started to get my by is telling myself everyday that we can not live by bread alone. That inorder to accomplish anything we must put God first and believe in him. I recently started fasting again to draw closer to God and even though it's hard some days I realize it's for the best. And I look at my daughter and realize that she is the blessing God gave me to get me through the days when I feel so low and want to give up on life. I have to live not for myself but for God and the child he blessed me with. So hold on and just believe and have faith. It will work out if you just put your burden on Gods shoulders. Enjoy your son. Look at him as inspiration to lose weight, finish school, get a good job and live a blessed life so that he may follow in your example and see how strong of a mother he has and how when things were bad because of your faith in God you believed and he saw your through. I hope this helps to brighten up your day a little better. God bless you!

[UNLIMITEDLOVE 0]

Hey Renaemrgn,

I graduated from aesthetics in December and I am currently unemployed, I can't find a job anywhere. I totally agree with you, and yes I love my son dearly that is the reason why I am still attending college other than graduating from aesthetics. And I did loos the weight, I weigh 150lbs as of now, I am only 15 lbs left to go. And for the last 7 months the Lord has been humbling tremendously, the hard thing is just the fact that I can't go out. I feel like my body is so ugly. The only thing that encourages me to go out is taking my son to the park of family gatherings so that he may play with kids. and no matter how many times I try to tell my self I am beautiful and I am God's creation, I can't help but feel this anger towards my ex-husband, and I have so much trouble accepting my "new image" and I cry. I know the Lord is there and he will deliver me and help me get through it but it's just sooo hard. And I have made God, my husband. I don't have an issue being single for the rest of my life, since Jesus is the best husband any one can have. But it's this low-self esteem thing, many think or say I am beautiful, but I don't feel it. I don't know if it's because my husband did things and I need healing. And thank you, I appreciate your advice, I just can't erase what he did to me. I guess it's a matter of time and healing.

Thank you, it's good to know that there are other girls like me whom I can share this with. :)

[lola21st 2]

Hi bella40r -

When I'm feeling down, the following site is one that I sometimes turn to when I remember it so that I can work my way through trials and see myself as God sees me. Read this site everyday so that the scriptures can completely saturated your spirit and you not only feel the healing that takes place but that you also walk in it.

http://father.weebly.com/

I agree with ranaemrgn, cry out to the Lord and let your anger out at His throne so that you can be healed. Going through what you went through isn't easy especially when you have a young one to care for. When I divorced my husband (who was also abusive and an adulterer), my son was 3 so I understand the challenges that you're facing now. I can only tell you that it will get better. Just continue to cast your cares on the Lord and know that He is a righteous and just God and He cares for you. Allow yourself to grieve so that He can heal you and position you where you can receive His blessings for you and move into all that He has for you. Again, it will get better with time.

[Linda Irish 0]

Bella, a friend, Jean, shared this scriptures with me this morning~ I also sent you a pm message but I dont know if you were able to get it yet as you are fairly new but i want to encourage you that the Lord is with you through this difficult time and He does have beautiful plush green cool pasteurs for us, in between our trials...Just keep holding His hand and walking in the Light...you will laugh and live again. God will give you life and life more abundantly...

Oh that I had wings like a dove! [for then] would I fly away, and be at rest.
It came to pass, when the sun did arise, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, that he fainted, and wished in himself to die, and said, [It is] better for me to die than to live.

Job spake, and said, . . . Wherefore is light given to him that is in misery, and life unto the bitter [in] soul; which long for death, but it [cometh] not; and dig for it more than for hid treasures?--Many [are] the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

Now is my soul troubled; and what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour: but for this cause came I unto this hour.-- In all things it behoved him to be made like unto [his] brethren, that he might be a merciful and faithful high priest in things [pertaining] to God, to make reconciliation for the sins of the people. For in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succour them that are tempted.

Ps 55:6 Jon 4:8 Job 3:2,20,21 Ps 34:19 Joh 12:27 Heb 2:17,18

[Linda Irish 0]

I believe it is a high honor to be purified in the fire ~ You are not alone Bella, and truly God loves you.

[UNLIMITEDLOVE 0]

Hi Lola21st,

Thank you for your encouragement, and the comfort, I will defiantly look into the website. GOD BLESS YOU! I really needed to hear this...you and lindairish are inspiration to have gone through what I went through and are so rooted in the Lord! praise GOD!

[UNLIMITEDLOVE 0]

Thank You LindaIrish,

I am going to memorize those scriptures ! I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me as well!:) thank you!! And you are still beautiful! Praise GOD for showing me that I am not the only one who has gone through it and that there is hope. And we can live as a testimony for other who are going through the same!! Thank you Ladies, you are wonderful! I feel much better now!!! THERE IS HOPE!! GOD IS MY HOPE!

once again, GOD BLESS!!

[Linda Irish 0]

Thankyou dear heart. Blessings from our Lord back at you.

[lola21st 2]

I just wanted to add something. I've looked at your dreams and it's clear to me that God is speaking to you and letting you know that He's walking through this with you, that He loves you and is comforting you, and that He's going to right everything that is wrong in this season.

When I went through a similar period a few years ago, God was soooo good to me. He showed me in my dreams how He felt about me and what He was going to do in my life but He also showed me the areas that I needed to be healed from, areas that I need to let go of, and things that I needed to do to move to the other side of the storm that I was in. Not only that, but He was also faithful to bring the right people to me that spoke the right words to me at the right time (of course He managed to do so...lol!). Seeing your dreams reminded me of that period in my life so I was wanted to leave this as an encouragement to you that God is with you in this and if God if for you, who can be against you?

Romans 8:28 - 39
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
God’s Everlasting Love

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written:


“ For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”[c]

37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

[UNLIMITEDLOVE 0]

Thank you lola21st ...this really spoke to me...God is constantly confirming to me that everything is going to be okay...