My heart is brokon my closest cousin died this morning.

[steadygaze 0]

No words can explain the pain that runs deep within my heart with just a few simple words, and sometimes I find myself with no words at all just tears running down my face and a heart that is shattered.

Tommy and I were two kids in our younger days just wanting to be loved but came from dysfunctional families. He was like a little brother to me and he always had a knack for making me laugh when I was hurting inside, and he had a tender side where he would put his arm around you and let you know everything was going to be okay.

Tommy and I drank together smoked together and got high together. We were always there for each other and we always had a way to make one another smile. We would tease each other silly and we would have our times of making each other mad, but we always looked passed it. Tommy would stick up for me if someone did me wrong, he had that big brother protection stance. We were able to be vulnerable with one another because we just felt comfortable with each other and never felt threatened. We could just share things with each other what we could not share with anyone else. Tommy was my best friend and I loved his child like manner in the way that he would love on people.

As years went on his addiction got worse and he tried to get help. He would go into addiction Hospitals to get help but never seemed to get passed his impossible addictions. Tommy and I had a falling out in 2003 and the addiction took him further down while the Lord drew closer to me and I drew closer to the Lord, and the Lord broke the spirit of addiction off my life through healing the wounds deep in my heart.. Tommy’s path and mine headed in different direction. Then I saw Tommy in 2007 and we forgave each other and our relationship came back around. Tommy struggled so bad with addiction he would call me drunk wanting to talk to me about the Lord.

Tommy when his parent were together when he was younger they were Jehovah Witnesses and so Tommy knew the scriptures inside and out, he would quote the Bible to me but he never knew the one in which he was quoting which was Jesus Himself. Tommy wanted what I had, he had seen how I had cleaned up my life, and how happy I was so he would call me and ask me to teach him about the word and the Lord. I would share with him a little bit but the problem was he was so drunk and I would tell him please call me when he was sober, and we will take a look at the word together. Tommy never called in fact he disappeared. Then before I moved to Roseburg Tommy called me out of the blue and told me he had been working on oilrigs in Alaska and that is where he had been. I told him I was moving and I wanted to stay in touch. I had told my aunt I was concerned Tommy would die like my brother and our uncles because the addiction looked like the very ones that took my uncles and played a roll in my brother’s death.

I prayed many times for the Lord to break the addiction that took my uncles and my brother off this family bloodline, and off Tommy! I was scared for Tommy the way I was scared for my brother.

I look at all these deaths staring at me in the face today and wonder why am I the one who survived this addiction, and why am I any different? . I stand astonished before the Lord today so heart broken. WHY are they gone and I am left behind.

What I have seen with Alcohol addiction it has taken the life of many in my family, and my friend Kerri who took her life recently struggled with Alcohol addiction. Addiction kills and it steals lives.

My own mother battles with addiction my cousin Tommy’s mother is an alcoholic. People say Alcohol is not as bad as drug’s, I am here to tell you as one who has picked up the pieces through every loss Alcohol kills when one is addicted to it. How does addiction take place it is when ones heart is hurting so bad they have to take something that makes them forget about it, so they do not have to feel. The bottom line is addiction is not the problem it is the heart that is the problem. When one feels rejected, abandoned, betrayed, bitter, resentful, ect that is when addiction becomes ones best friend. How do I know this because I was one who struggled with addiction and the underlying symptoms is what is in the heart. Until the heart is healed addiction will have room to move in and operate.

I am angry not at God but addiction. That spirit is looking for a wounded heart to live in. I love the scripture, search me oh God and find no unclean thing in me, some versions it says, “ Search me oh God and Find no pain in me.”

My cousin Tommy will be deeply missed and he took apart of my heart with him like my brother did. He was one man I was so close to and will always have my heart. I do not know if he is in heaven and I pray to God he is.

I want to say this, “I know God spared me and I pray I will be a voice that speaks out on addiction and the condition of the heart.

Please pray for my family and his three kids left behind he was only 42 years old. I know there are many hurting right now from this loss.

Tommy will be remembered Always.

[Daisy 0]

O steadygaze I am so sorry! I am literally weeping as I read your post! This is so sad and heartbreaking. Please know I am praying for you and your family during this time. I can relate completely to your life, and the strongholds that addiction can have on ones lives. There are many within my family that have struggled with this! This is such a sickness that the world has NO cure for...yet you reveal the key which is needed in here! Healing of the heart (through Jesus) will in fact break the power of this DARK thing off the lives of others!

I see you as such a BEACON OF LIGHT for your family, and for those struggling with this stronghold! Please be encouraged, that I feel you will touch many people with your life story, and with this testimony of your dear cousin Tommy! I know his life was not in vain, and hopefully you will see the fullness of this through the lives of his children in the years to come! If God doesn't have a hold of them now...I believe He will in the near future! They have seen this struggle, and I believe they will find a better life! I'm sure you will be the key in this situation.

Blessings my friend, and be comforted!

[Dove-Solutions 0]

Hey Steady,

So sorry to hear of your loss. I will be for you and his family. I so understand how addiction can reak havoc in one's life. My mother was an alcoholic (we lost her to cancer in 83) and so are some members of my family. It is so hard to stand by and watch. I pray for them daily. My heart is with you! Sending all my love and support and prayers.

Love in Jesus,

Connie

[Proof of God 1]

SG,

I can so totally relate to your post. My uncle and I (he was only 10 years older - the same age gap as my brother and myself) were so so so close and he died from trying to quit drinking. He began having Grand Mal seizures and the last killed him. It was so devastating.

I am praying you and my heart is grieving with you.

Love,

[Cholette 0]

So sorry Steady...Soooo sorry! WHile I was reading this, I heard a line in an old hymn I used to sing in church when I was younger...

"...Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal"

Praying for you

[Angelwings 1]

I'm so sorry about your cousin!
I have addicts in my family as well and I understand the pain that comes with seeing the ones you love spiral out of control.
your in my prayers

[lola21st 2]

So sorry to hear this news! My prayers go out to you and your family.

[jjp708 0]

I'm sorry for you loss SG. I know it won't be easy but continue to lean on God for comfort and peace and understanding.

I'm praying for your family.

[steadygaze 0]

Thank you all so much for the prayers and encouraging words. I can not tell how hard it has been walking through two losses in less then a month. Wow and the loss of five family members on one side of the family do to addiction. One thing I do know is the Love of Christ set me free and healed my heart and saved my life. I can never say I did it all myself I can only boast in the one that set me free.

I am to go to India November 2nd to minister and do a twenty four seven prayer and worship for 2 weeks straight, for the nation of India to turn to God. It is a huge event with my old church back home. However right now I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other and I cannot stop crying at least for today and praying tomorrow my heart will feel less pain then the day before. I know the Lord turns all things around for good for those who are in Him. I know in this the Lord will use it to be glorified.

Well Blessings to you all and please continue to pray for my family. We need a financial miracle to bury my cousin right now. Please pray for that miracle with me.

Many hugs to you dear ones. :)

[Angelwings 1]

I have been praying for India since the earthquake they had...I will add your trip to my prayers Steadygaze!!

[steadygaze 0]

Thanks so much.

[Daisy 0]

Will continue to pray for you!!

[steadygaze 0]

Thanks so much it has really hit me hard losing my best friend and brother. And also losing my other friend just last month she took her life.

I am going to grief counseling for the first time this morning.

Blessings.

[Daisy 0]

O that is such a great idea! So glad you are taking those steps to take care of yourself....

[Jasmine 0]

steadygaze wrote:

Thanks so much it has really hit me hard losing my best friend and brother. And also losing my other friend just last month she took her life.

I am going to grief counseling for the first time this morning.

Blessings.

Great! And I'll be praying!

[steadygaze 0]

Hi friends and family

There will be a funeral for my cousin Tommy this Sunday in In California. Please keep my family in your prayers, there needs to be a lot of healing in this side of the family. I know it will be hard for all of us to lay Tommy to rest he has touched many lives. I already miss him so much.

Please keep me in your prayers as I travel to Santa Rosa. I will stay in Santa Rosa until I leave for India November 2, 2011. Please keep me in prayer as I head out to India with the Vertical Call teams. It is interesting how all this loss in the last month between my friend Kerri who took her like last month, and my cousin Tommy dying from alcohol happened before I leave for India. I have totally forgotten about my missions trip and wonder how I will get through this trip emotionally because of what I have gone through this past month. God will have to be my strength in this time.

Thanks again for your prayers, love and support.

[Jasmine 0]

Will pray! Remember we're here to help you. We forum members are family!

[Daisy 0]

Surely will be praying. Father God~I pray for comfort, and refreshing to come upon your faithful servant steadygaze! I pray that you would give her the spiritual and emotional strength to make it through such a trying time right now. Father, I pray that your anointing would just kick in full force and ease the load in every way possible in this situation, and most of all that your glory and power would be seen all over this family! Thank you that your grace is sufficient and that in our greatest times of weakness, is when you show your mighty strength.....in Jesus name...amen.

Looking forward to hopefully hearing back from you soon on your progress steadygaze. Will continue to pray....