goferit

Kin I join?? I think I qualify

Most young people are over-indulged, from childhood onwards, When they are adults living at home, they expect the same treatment. If it were me and my wife, I would expect to get her 'on-side' 1st, as it is a lost cause if there is no agreement between a couple. The next step would be to have a family sit-down and discussion,on this subject.perhaps write down what would need to take place, with payments etc. These young men need a wake up call, on the expenses you have to meet,to subsidise them and their life styles. If they refuse to subscribe, then I would stop shopping for their food, and force them to do their own laundry etc. Failing all these suggestions they'd have to find an alternative mug to sponge off. Draconian ?? perhaps, but the situation is going to get worse. Sorry to say this, but they don't seem to have respect for you and your wife. P.S. Like you, when I left school, (two weeks into my 15th birthday). I was apprenticed, and did a 48 hr week,-- my 1st pay was £2.18 shillings. of which I gave me mum £2.---- Tell them---£20- these days, don't buy one meal, out..

I'd love it ---if only I could afford it OOPS!!

I'd love it ---if only I could afford it

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Blow me, talk about Dyson with death. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. " Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years " Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*n*s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him. "Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?". "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us. Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger. Just opened it and some b*st*rd's sent me a magnifying glass! I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction. An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says “yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!” Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change Dentists? A wife says to her husband “you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair. “ I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said “ I would like to come back as a cow.” “ I said you’re obviously not listening…!” Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake. I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said “ I love you.” She said “ Is that you or the beer talking” ? I replied “ it's me talking to the beer.” The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

GOD,.. I hope she turns up safe...every family's nightmare. Do you think putting this on other forums---like taxi drivers etc. might help??

SORRY----IT HAPPENS SOME-TIMES.. didn't mean to

Seems like Some Harley riders can get their knee down

These guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom.

-- God came to visit Eve... ' So, how is everything going? ' inquired God. ' It is all so beautiful, God, ' she replied. ' The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It ' s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They ' re a real pain. ' And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ' symmetrically balanced ' . ' That ' s a fair point, ' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away. ' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. ' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation? ' ' Just fantastic, ' she replied, ' But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. ' God thought for a moment and said, ' You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see......where did I put that useless Tit? ' Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib

CHOICE

Hope you don't mind me adding to your thread.. http://www.ultimatemotorcycling.com/2010_Millyard_Viper_V10_Motorcycle_Review

Brill'. nothing like leather on the skin eh ??.

They always ask at the doctor’s reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’ ‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘ ‘Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.’ he said. The receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’ The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes?’ ‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’ ‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

BRACE

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days." The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the factory to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day. We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocery shop and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day. Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the county of Yorkshire . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then. We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn’t expect that to be bucked by flying it thousands of air miles around the world. We actually cooked food that didn’t come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. But we didn't have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and children rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza shop. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then? Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person. Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

ITEM

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. "Is this your wife sir?" said the officer. "Yes it is" I replied. "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer... "I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!" . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, Face down on the floor. Dead! At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes.............. Then a moment of pure inspiration........ ....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?" "I did once & he looked really angry." "Why angry?" Because he was watching through the window.! . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa... Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake! . . . . . . . . . . . . Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half. It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home. . . . . . . . . . . . . . The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind. The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!

Best attitude to have mate---you have to reach the top of the hill.----before you're over it

FAMILY

MISERYGUTS MOANER ??

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run — anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, ‘Did I wake you? 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 PM. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.* 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won’t get much worse. 15.Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 19. You can’t remember who sent you this list. 20. And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.

Better refer to Chadatious--- (old ones)

age 19 !!!! what you know about 'old-ones'..?