Why Are So Many Christian Marriages Failing??

[butterfly 0]

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[Cholette 0]

You are SO RIGHT Butterfly! I've seen it all around me and it is so sad. Even my own parents who taught me the Word of God from a VERY young age, but my father used to beat my mother and then get in the pulpit on church days and minister the word of God. Hmmm, maybe that's why I'm not married at the tender age of 42....something may be buried in me regarding marriage...or maybe not...

Anyway, you touched on some really good points...one being Christians marrying the first person they date just because they are Christians. I think what has happened is we are doing what the world is doing...marrying each other before understanding that we are WHOLE BEINGS THROUGH CHRIST. When we know and understand that, we don't have to be "domineering" over others. Dominance is a form of insecurity...having to flex one's muscles on the outside to compensate the fact that they feel unworthy inwardly.

Also, no one wants to go through anything to gain the reward that God promised us that we will receive AFTER we have done His will. The moment there is a trial in the marriage, then everyone is ready to jump ship. What happened to drawing closer in to God TOGETHER and hearing God about the situation so that He can grow us up in the process?? It is so sad!!! There will ALWAYS be times of testing...if a marriage falls apart during the time of testing then something was wrong from the gate - no foundation (sort of like the foolish man building his house on the sand in Matthew). I'm not talking about abuse (physical, mental or emotional), because that should NEVER be tolerated. I'm talking about the day to day challenges that every individual and couples go through.

Help us Lord!!! We gotta do betta!!!

[Vile 0]

I'm not married... but I think it's just the "express society" we got and people not willing to put time into anything.

[Jadams 0]

Amen Vile!!!

[lola21st 2]

I agree with all of the above. I held off from commenting because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep this to 25 words or less as this is an area that I feel burdened about, so be warned that this is long!

I think that people are lonely and impatient and allow those feelings to drive them to make poor decisions. They don't put in enough homework to ensure that the potential mate is really the one, and the right one for them. People move based on infatuation - when dating, people are enamored by how wonderful the person is instead of using dating as an interview/investigation period (I know it sounds too business like) to learn about the other person and reality test what they're hearing. It doesn't have to be an interrogation but you can find out a lot about another person when you're talking to them if you really listen. And you can learn a lot about a person by the way they interact with others and how they handle situations. Blinders are put on, and signs that surface that show the person's real side are ignored. People forget that they're usually in a false advertising stage for the first 6-8 months of a relationship. Both parties are putting out their best efforts to present themselves in a certain way but that can't be sustained over time. At some point, the "real" person starts to surface and unfortunately, this sometimes occurs after the vows are exchanged.

My pastor jokingly tells us that until we see Jack/Jill out of the box, to move cautiously. It’s important to see the good, the bad and the ugly before making a long term commitment so that you really know who you’re dealing with. And see the person operate in different settings with different people under different circumstances – meet their friends, their family, see how they treat people in service positions like waitresses, cashiers, etc. See how they deal with adversity – people cutting you off on the highway, rude people you encounter in your day to day. Have a disagreement or two and see how they handle it, etc.

Within the Christian community, I think sometimes we move too quickly because we get driven by a desire to have legal sex and/or we get a “Word” from a prophet or that we think is directly from the Lord. We don’t confirm the “Word” and/or we move on it before we’re supposed to, etc. I know of someone who met her “Boaz” on the internet and after two months they decided they would marry. She just knew that he was the man that the Lord sent for her. They married four months later. After a few months he stopped going to church and wasn’t acting like her “Bo”. Turns out “Bo” was into child porn and would go online when she was gone to church and work. Very disturbing since she had three pre-teen and teenage girls. Needless to say, they’re no longer together.

But a marriage partner doesn’t have to be dysfunctional to be a bad match. Too many people, Christian and non-Christian alike, don’t really think about what they are looking for in a spouse, don’t exercise a spirit of discernment when they have a potential candidate, don’t see themselves as worthy of a good spouse, etc. Many people due to their own issues, have a “Settle for” mentality so they take the first thing that comes around, often because of their own self-esteem issues. Others choose someone who fills a specific need but is ineffective at meeting others so they either talk themselves into the relationship or let others talk themselves into the relationship. Still others are straight up predators – they want something that the other person can offer – financial security, status, affiliation, etc. and they go after it like a barracuda or gold digger. And some are too pragmatic – the person does meet the qualities on their list but there is no chemistry, no passion, but they go ahead and marry anyway.

And while I’ve touched on it before, I think that too many people operate in their own power, not the power of the Holy Spirit. People who are not in the Word, and aren’t really developing their relationship with the Lord can’t operate in the Spirit, i.e., be Spirit-led. The Holy Spirit will guide you and give you information about a potential partner if you let Him. Another example that my pastor gives from time to time:

A member of the church met a man who she thought was her Boaz. He was a Christian man actively involved in the church, had a good job, had a home, had all the personality attributes that she wanted and of course was very attractive. They had courted, met each others friends and families, everything seemed right. He proposed, she excitedly accepted. As they were planning the wedding, the Holy Spirit started telling her that this is not the man that she should marry. She at first ignored the promptings, but they got louder, more burdensome. So she told her fiancé that she couldn’t go through with it because she felt that the Lord wasn’t in agreement. Her fiance said ok. About a year or so later, she found out that he had full blown AIDS – he had led a dual lifestyle and contracted HIV. He died within a year after that.

And all of the above only covers one aspect of why Christian marriages fail – sad to say but a lot of Christian marriages should never have taken place in the first place. I really believe that more scrutiny at the front end pre-marriage would decrease the divorce rate by a third if not cut it in half. But the other piece is that now that a couple is married, how do they stay married? Too many couples give up after the first disagreement, bitterness develops, bad relational patterns resurface, poor communication is a part of it, spouses are held accountable to meet needs that can only be filled by the Lord, etc. And last but most important, couples forget that marriage is a covenant with the Lord, so they don’t let the Holy Spirit participate as a full partner in the covenant. Marriage isn’t a two person assignment, it’s a three spirit assignment.

People forget that even when a marriage is of the Lord, it doesn’t mean that life is going to be a rose garden (look at Isaac and Rebekah) but it does mean that the Lord has paired two people who will complement each other and are equipped to be strong where one is weak, etc. Furthermore, a lot of people don’t realize (or don’t understand the full implication) that marriage is a ministry unto itself. It is a lifelong act of service. The key is finding two people who serve each other, where each person is looking out for their spouses interests and not concerned about payback, not keeping score, not feeling bitter/resentful because they didn’t get their way, etc. – of course, they wouldn’t be feeling this way because there is reciprocation.

Sorry, if I rambled, just a lot of thoughts to get down in a short period of time. And if I had more time, I'd talk about the need to enter a relationship as a whole person, not look for something in a person that only the Lord can provide, do things that allow you to grow to become the person that will complement a Boaz/Ruth (in general terms, not specific terms)...Iok, I'll stop!! I’ll step off of my soapbox/pulpit now!

[daphanie02 0]

Well I know that just because Christian couples are Christians, doesnt mean thats a good reason to marry each other to begin with. I really dont have an answer to this butterfly, but I know that in several cases God told me NO on certian Christian men i was dating. (lol you know im a firm believer in THE ONE) :LOLDOH:

[RnestseekR 0]

I think there might be 2 problems: 1.) We do not look to God for finding our spouse. We'd rather do one of the online dating systems or have someone set us up than to WAIT on God's direction. And the problem is not just limited to making decisions about spuses. But that's another can of worms. 2.) The church is afraid, in some cases, to speak out and teach about marriage. Sometimes, the church body is afraid that if they tell people that they need to honor their commitments to each other, or develop/grow in the spirit (be patient, kind or loving, etc.) that we will offend.
But, I am here to proclaim that I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 12 years. I KNOW that God brought us together. We have been to the edge of divorce and back again. And for those of you who are looking for a spouse, I PROMISE you that waiting is SO WORTH IT when God chooses your spouse. WAIT FOR HIM - He's SO Good!!!!

[daisyscheihing 0]

great thoughts Lola ! Keep up the good work and share. Judy

[lola21st 2]

Thanks Judy! And amen, Laura and Rnestseekr!!

[Virtuous 0]

WOWWWWWWWWWW...lola! You said a mouthful and I agree with everything you've said. I couldn't have said it better myself. That was very, very, good advice. WOW!!!!!

I'm not married YET. I'm believing God for my Boaz and what you've said has given me more to think about. Am I really ready? That's the question I have now that I've read your response.

Thank you for your response...THANK YOU!

[butterfly 0]

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[lola21st 2]

My quick answer (more thorough response will follow) is that no, not everyone is meant to be married. Paul talked about that in 1 Corinthians 7 - that it would be good if everyone were like him but for those who are burning with desire, they should marry. Also that those who are unmarried serve things of the Lord while those who are married serve things of the world, i.e., their spouse (these are my words, not exact scripture)

The example you gave is a tough one but you handle it through prayer and support. Why hasn't the man married his girlfriend? Is it because he has the worldly view that living together is ok? If so, perhaps the Holy Spirit will convict him as he gets to know the Lord more and he will want to marry his girlfriend. That has happened at my church on more than one occasion. most recently last year (that I know of). My pastor was preaching about marriage and started preaching about living together. The Holy Spirit convicted the two and they asked my pastor to marry them in his office a few of days later. Certainly not suggesting that it's this simple (though sometimes it can be), because I know there are often factors that make the decision more challenging. But ultimately, trust God to take the scales off of his eyes and reveal His truth to him. Through the renewing of his mind, the new believer will make a Godly decision regarding the matter.

[butterfly 0]

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[lola21st 2]

give the child up for adoption???? wow...were these issues known when he was receiving the "counseling"? Why would they counsel him to make a bad situation worse? The thing I dislike the most is when Christians "counsel" legalistically....sorry to rant but it saddens me when the cause of injury to a person is the church...I can understand what you're saying and agree, it makes no sense that they were made to marry in the first place....

[butterfly 0]

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[Desiree (Starpop) 1]

To lurdys';
Now who's the one preaching?!!!!!lol Preach pastor!lol :)

that marriage is a ministry unto itself.

I totally agree because I've said that before!!!lol...some people just aren't ready for the "ministry" aspect of marriage!

I would ALSO have to agree that one needs to "know his/her identity" in Christ and be secure within him/herself first before marrying (too many people expect the person they're with to change and to complete them--but you know it can't be done!!!)

Awesome discussion! Just seek God and be who you need to be!!!

smooches
desiree

[Virtuous 0]

I wonder what happened to my post...

[lola21st 2]

That's happened to me on occasion as well...if it was removed, you would've received a pm...chances are it was just a glitch so if you can, repost it....

[Delightful soul 0]

i wanted to thankyou for what you had to say Lola, it was very encouraging. My friend and I got alot out of it and want to praise God for such wisdom - Godly wisdom that came from you.


Claire

[Missy2281 0]

lola21st wrote:

People forget that even when a marriage is of the Lord, it doesn’t mean that life is going to be a rose garden (look at Isaac and Rebekah) but it does mean that the Lord has paired two people who will complement each other and are equipped to be strong where one is weak, etc. Furthermore, a lot of people don’t realize (or don’t understand the full implication) that marriage is a ministry unto itself. It is a lifelong act of service. The key is finding two people who serve each other, where each person is looking out for their spouses interests and not concerned about payback, not keeping score, not feeling bitter/resentful because they didn’t get their way, etc. – of course, they wouldn’t be feeling this way because there is reciprocation.

I agree Lola21st,

Marriage is a covenant. I heard someone make a statement on the radio a few days ago saying that
non-christians should not even get married. This caught my attention. I thought it was such a horrible statement to make. I then heard the man make the statement that marriage was created by God. Then I really thought about it and I could actually understand the meaning behind the statement. Marriage was and is a creation from God. If you claim to not believe in God...then why follow?

Here is the first marriage...created by God

Gen. 2:18, 21-24

The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'...and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh.
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Enough of that...Let's move on....

The basic underlying reason marriages fail is due to satan. satan wants to destroy the marriage because of it's basic foundation/model of Christ and the Church. When satan destroys the marriage, this destruction spirals to other areas.

	Eph 5:21		Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
	Eph 5:22		Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
	Eph 5:23		For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
	Eph 5:24		Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.
	Eph 5:25		Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
	Eph 5:26		That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
	Eph 5:27		That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
	Eph 5:28		So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
	Eph 5:29		For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
	Eph 5:30		For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
	Eph 5:31		For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
	Eph 5:32		This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
	Eph 5:33		Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife [see] that she reverence [her] husband.

We live in a society that has the "ME" syndrome. If it feels good then do it. If it doesn't feel good and you don't feel like doing it, then don't do it. They rely on their emotions. What does satan play on?....our emotions. satan has managed to plant seeds in the minds of many people that make people believe that marriage is suppose to be happy all the time; a false view of marriage. How many times have you heard the phrase....."Marriage takes work"? I have several hundred times. How many times have you heard " Love is not easy"? I have to say about the same as the other. These are true statements. We just never practice them. How many people really listen to the standard marriage vows? “I, (Jane Doe), take you (John Doe), to be my (wife/husband), to have and hold from this day on, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.” If you really look at the standard marriage vow....you are agreeing to have good times....bad times....times when you are sick.....times when you are well....times when you have money....times when you don't have money.... agreeing to love and cherish....and all this till death splits you apart. You take this vow with your spouse before witnesses and before God.

I think it is safe to say most people, not all, who divorce base their reasonings due to the fact that they feel unhappy with their spouse. They feel like something is missing or they drifted apart. They are correct in saying something is missing. They are missing the joy of the Lord! Until you find the oneness with Christ, you will never find the happiness that you are seeking. However, most people think the spouse is suppose to make them happy. Incorrect statement.......Christ is to be the source of your joy, your spouse just adds to it.

John 15:10-12 (New International Version)


¹⁰If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. ¹¹I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. ¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.


1 Chronicles 16:27
Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy in his dwelling place
Job 20:5
that the mirth of the wicked is brief, the joy of the godless lasts but a moment.
Proverbs 10:28
The prospect of the righteous is joy, but the hopes of the wicked come to nothing.
Psalm 19:8
The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes


One major problem I see today is in found in Titus Chapter 2
We as a church do not train up our youth.

Titus 2 (New International Version)


Titus 2


What Must Be Taught to Various Groups

¹You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. ²Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.
³Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. ⁴Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, ⁵to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
⁶Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. ⁷In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness ⁸and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.


I am speaking as a woman. We as woman do not help the men fight against sexual immorality by the way we dress, the way we talk and the way we act. God has given men and women different gifts that make us different....but together.....one. Men are given a stronger sex drive than women. Woman are given a stronger compassion than men. When we look at the man and he has a strong sex drive....are woman helping the men by wearing "sexy clothing to church" or going as far as posing in pornographic films or books? No, our men are being set up for failure. It's kind of like putting an alcoholic at the bar and telling him not to drink. These things set up satan's demonic strongholds in our men's minds. Not only does a man need hedges to protect him for sexual sin, it works both ways. We need hedges put in place by both genders for protection and respect for others.


I can go on and on and on....but I am running out of time for the day.....I will pick up later.

God's Blessings on all!

[martin from Africa 0]

hi there, lots and lots of wisdom above, my step daughter, my niece, have both just had dreams to break up with the person they are going out with, God is not into dating, I also think too spooky christian stuff is also out there, taking one word and acting on it, if marriage is the second biggest decision then prayer, fasting is needed...many of my wifes girl friends have husbands which are miles behind them in terms of their walk with God, women also need to ensure that the husband that they choose are moving forward in Him, today anything built on sand will not stand as the enermy is out there...