I'm cutting myself.

[Jasmine 0]

I want to stop because I know God cries when I do but I want to be covered in scars. I like it but I want to rebuild my relationship with Jesus. I need to get my life back on track. God has a plan for me and it's happening soon. I've just been diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. My soul is broken. I am torn. Do I want to get better or worse. I'm comfortable in my pain but I'm sick of it. I think some demons are involved.@

[Cholette 0]

Yes they are involved...a lot more than you know. I suggest you go to your pastor or a minister in your church and receive some counseling and deliverance covering. This isn't anything to play around with. I'm proud of you for opening up and being honest about the issue. Please go get some help. We can all pray, but there needs to be the next level do spiritual warfare In this situation.

Warring for you....

[Jasmine 0]

How much I'd love to do that, I can't. I go to an incredibly small church. They don't have a deliverence department. The pastor there doesn't seem like someone who can help me. He's old and traditional. However, I know of a priest that could help me, but I barely get to see him. I might if I sneak to his church, but I don't know. This forum is basically all I have.

[Cholette 0]

Well there is no distance in prayer so I will continue to war and also declare someone into your life that can give you some hands on help. When was the last time you cut?

[Jasmine 0]

Last week I think.

[Daisy 0]

I am in agreement with Cholette Jasmine. Please know I am praying as well!! I want to share some of my thoughts with you. Deep in our hearts we know that someone must pay a penalty when a sin is committed. I personally feel that the deep rooted reason most people cut is to punish oneself for their sins. I believe the root is condemnation. In addition to us praying, I would suggest looking up every scripture on forgiveness, and meditate on these as much as possible....memorize them. Try thinking on these things, and the COMPLETED work on the cross every time you have bad thoughts about yourself, or your behavior. When you see yourself cloaked in Christ's righteousness, I personally believe your joy will return and the desire to cut yourself will stop. Think about this...Christ died once and for all for all your sins...this work is completed...it was enough...it was more than enough for all your wrong doings for the rest of your life!! When you see what HE did to purchase your righteousness, to give you this free gift, the punishment for all our sins was already taken! So when you punish yourself more by cutting, its basically saying that Jesus' sacrifice wasn't enough (which could not be further from the truth). See His sacrifice as MORE than enough, and bask in His love for you sweetheart!!! Meditate on how much He loves you, and you wont want to hurt yourself anymore!! He gave it ALL for YOU Jasmine!!!! YOU are the APPLE of HIS EYE!!!!

[Jasmine 0]

But that's not why I continue to cut. I feel it is because I find my identity in my depression, anxiety and cutting. I find who I am in my disease. I feel that people will see how strong I am. It's as if my problems make me who I am. It's not that I feel guilty for my sins therefore lashing out on my own body. It's that I am creating problems for myself so I can be someone. If I don't have my problems, then who the hell am I? Sometimes I would cut myself out of anger for someone else cause I couldn't injure them. Also I would do I when I was sad, anxious, or just bored. It's not that I don't have respect for life (I use cutting as a way of coping. In a sense I am using it to live, but It can kill me.) I don't have respect for myself.

[Daisy 0]

Im so sorry Jasmine...I was totally off on my perspective. I pray that you will find your value and identity in Christ. In Him we are complete. I am praying for you sweetheart! I will pray for deliverance, as well as God putting the right people in your path to minister to you, love you, and show how important you are to the Father.

[Dove-Solutions 0]

Amen and amen Daisy.

[Jasmine 0]

Thx

[Jasmine 0]

I think I have almost 60 cuts. They past few weeks have been really tough.

[Daisy 0]

You have cut yourself 60 times in the past few weeks???? Jasmine, I am really concerned sweetie!! Does your mom have any idea that the cutting is taking place?? If she doesn't, I really want you to consider talking to her about this. Please, please, please, pray about it if you haven't told her already......

[Jasmine 0]

Not 60. But 40. I had scars from before.

[Daisy 0]

What about your mom, does she know about this?

[Boscoe Jenkins 0]

I will be praying for you as well. I used to cut myself a couple of years back. i was looking for a way out but i can assure you continue to seek out the Lord. Do not give up he has a mighty work for you. I believe that when the Enemy see our potential & how powerful we can really be so he puts thing's in our way to stop us. i am still a work in progress but looking for him saved my life!!! Do you have any friends that can help you with this issue??

[Grey Butterfly 0]

Hi Jasmine,

Can I suggest an alternative?

I read your reasons to cut, and I wonder if you would temporarily deliberately decide to use something else to find your identity in [obviously you have an identity in Jesus already, you are the daughter of the most high God... you are beloved and beautiful, if people could see you as God sees you, as you really are, they would fall on their faces in awe] It is hard to get a handle on that when you are depressed and in need of something to do with your hands... so, I wonder if you would try using another method... there is one I can think of that would be useful too for displaying strength...

So, as a temporary thing, a first line of action thing, do you think you could do something else when you feel like cutting?

My idea would be walking... if you signed yourself up for a marathon for example and then you begin to train for that marathon... seeing the pain of training in the way you see the pain of cutting... you could focus your energy on it. Lets face it, you would have to be strong to complete a marathon, those who do that are people of tenacity and courage. Of course, the up side of that idea is that exercise can actually help with the depression because of the hormones it releases.

You are right, Jesus does cry, I know because I very nearly did when I read your post and He loves you ever so much more! You do need to stop cutting, you said that yourself... and the underlying depression really does need to be dealt with... I'm sure you know that. Would it help in the short term to have an alternative Jasmine? To have a "something" to do with that energy, till the desire to cut is gone?

My idea might not be the thing... but find something Jasmine, will you please?? And find a way to get (hands on, face to face) help, even if it means telling Mum so that she can get that help for you.

Bless you... I will pray for you too.

With much love, Diane

[Grey Butterfly 0]

Jasmine, I just read in your other post that you are 2 months clean from cutting, now I will cry!

Well done!!!!

That is the princess of God standing right there!

I will pray for you now about the fasting... I saw that Astra answered you, I didn't stop to read her answer yet, I was hit by the fact you were not cutting any more.

Bless you precious sister, bless you!

[Jasmine 0]

No. I relapsed that post was from last month.

[Grey Butterfly 0]

It is hard to give up something that feeds something that so strong and that feels so important. I will pray for you Jasmine :o)

You need help with this one though... and it's ok to ask for it... everyone needs help sometimes.

He loves you heaps xxx

[Grey Butterfly 0]

I wrote that last post just before I went to bed... and I prayed for you last thing... and then:

Last night I dreamed of finding scads of razor blades under my seat in a kind of bus. I pulled them all out along with some junk... just paper rubbish. I woke up and wrote the dream down - I had no idea what it was about and I focussed more on the odd transport [it was small, like a golf buggy only longer and with the seats running lengthwise down each side] In this kind of transport the drivers are required to sound like a recording [I don't know if you have recordings in your trains that tell you which stop you are approaching and where you are going all the time... but the drivers are required to do that - in this funny dream land] but the "robotic" driver was very nice when I told him about the razor blades... he still talked kind of robot-ish, but he stopped for me and was kind and wanted to help.

So, this morning after I ate breakfast, I thought of you and prayed for you... that was when I began to think that perhaps I had dreamed my dream about/for you... because:

A 14 year old girl I know put the razors under the seat in my dream... the girl in my dream was [I now believe] symbolic for you.

The robotic driver and the small bus thingy makes me think of your small church pastor... the traditional one. [I don't know him at all... but perhaps, even though he seems unapproachable, he would end up being kind?]

Jasmine i care about you very much... I will continue to pray for you. Please stop cutting again??? You know you can do it.

Bless you dear one!

Diane

[Jasmine 0]

I saw my therapist today. She told me that she was proud of me for my progress in my emotional state. My mom too. They don't know I relapsed. Today, I've cut myself twice. Once in the morning, to calm myself. I have been over anxious and it has been making me throw up. Then, during school in the bathroom. I just felt the urge and gave in.

[Grey Butterfly 0]

They can't help you if they don't know... their help might be annoying when you want to give in, but your bigger desire is to stop... let them in Jas, let them help you.

You don't really want this to be your identity do you??

Jesus said that in this world we will have trials, but to take heart because he has overcome the world... could you picture your anxiety in some way? A ball of worms perhaps or a ball of electricity... and could you visualise giving it into Jesus' hands? take calming breaths for your body while you do that... and find a verse to meditate on after you have given it to him... a verse that reminds you how precious you are to him perhaps? Even if you had to do that ten times a day... eventually it could become a habitual way of dealing with anxiety... you could imagine that every time you do it, it leaves a mark on your spirit... a positive scar.

Would you throw away whatever it is you use to cut yourself while you are not feeling the urge to cut??? If you carry it around, it is like preparing for what you do not want to do... it is giving satan a foot in the door. Make it hard for yourself to do it... make it take time - precious time in which you might be able to choose to do something else... like what i've suggested, or take a walk, or ???

[Daisy 0]

Jasmine~as I was praying for you last night, I wondered if there was a specific event or something that happened to trigger you to return to cutting? Sometimes looking at things that trigger us, can help us to keep a better guard the next time the situation comes around..helping to handle it differently. Just some thoughts...

[owen 0]

Im following this thread and couldnt help but leave a comment.

honey jasmine, if the urge to cut comes back but God forbids it wont, turn to Jesus immediately, call His name. He is always there. and you know that.

love lots,

Owen.

[Jasmine 0]

Daisy, the first time that I relapsed was when I had gotten a prank call. I thought it was a friend of mine. I'd rather not say. Then, later on, I was experiencing a lot of stress from school. I was missing out because I was stressed by hearing about Jason's alcoholism. A few days ago, went crazy on myself. I cut myself 80 times in one day. I was depressed about school. I am depressed now because I can't see my friend Ashley. I haven't seen her in 4 years. I want to see Jason too. I was supposed to go out with them, but I can't because their plans take place at 7 pm. I tried calling Ashley to talk to her about it, but her phone is off. I feel like I may cut myself, but I promised myself I wouldn't at least for a month.

[Daisy 0]

I know you can do it Jasmine!! Like Owen said above, turn to Jesus right away. He wants you to turn to Him with your hurts, depression, and disappointments. He loves you SO MUCH! Its only through Him we can overcome the things of this world!!!

John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

[Jasmine 0]

I had inscribe the word "alone" into my thigh. I counted all my cuts and scars and I have over 100.

[Daisy 0]

Well, that phrase doesn't apply to you...b/c you are never alone! He is always with you sweetie!! ALWAYS!!! His hands were scarred for YOU, so that you wouldn't have to have the scars. He paid the price to be with you!!! I hope someday you promise yourself not only to not cut for at least a month, but to never cut again!!!!

[Jasmine 0]

Thx. Jason is going to find out. When he does he might cut himself or drink. I know that if someone hurts themselves because I am hurting myself, I would stop, especially Jason.

[Daisy 0]

Well Jesus hurts every time you cut too...so if that motivates you, know He cares about you way more than anyone in the world!!!

[Jasmine 0]

Yes. That's true. But it doesn't motivate me. Jesus won't harm himself. Jason would. I don't know. It just is that way.

[Grey Butterfly 0]

Maybe you could be the one who helps to motivate Jason to get help - both for cutting and alcohol...

You love him... love is active. Love him by showing him the way out of this. Go get help for his sake if not for your own...

Praying for you... praying against the enemy... praying you will stand in your true identity and draw people with you into glory and health and wholeness... you could change the fabric of your world in God's strength... he does that through people like you and me.

Stand up and say no to the enemy Jasmine, maybe Jason can't do that yet, maybe he will if he sees you do it. A healthy you will be able to pray for your friends and make a difference. Be a world changer... the invitation is there for you "Daughter of light"

Bless you. xx

[Jasmine 0]

Yes Maybe. All I know right now is I want him to confront me.

[Grey Butterfly 0]

Jesus, I feel anxious and sick in my stomach, I know that I can do nothing to stop Jasmine from cutting herself, I know that I am limited by the fact I am on the other side of the world,

I would not know her or that she was doing this to herself but for this site... I am coming to hate internet communication - it feels like community, but when it matters I am powerless to help someone that I have grown to love.

I place her in your hands Lord, which is just acknowledging where she is already, I have never had her to give back to you... I ask that you will ensure she seeks help, please give her a local, face to face person who can help her to find you and find herself too... her true identity.

I acknowledge too, that even if I lived in Jasmine's community, I would probably be one of the people who didn't know she was cutting herself... so, I could not help her even if I lived there... and none of us can compel another to seek help anyway... we can only love and pray.

I pray Jesus that you will take this girl you love and heal her wounds, heal her heart, love on her and bring her back under your wings where she belongs.

Amen.

[Jasmine 0]

Thx. Diane. A lot.

[Shan 1]

Hi Jasmine,

Oh, sweetheart. I hate to hear that you are cutting, but so glad that you have an outlet in this forum. I don't know if this will help you or not and I hope I don't get into trouble for saying this, but I feel it could be helpful to you. I am a counselor who works with children and teens and I have encountered cutters before. What I've observed is that the cutting is less painful than all the emotions and that cutting acts as sort of a release of these painful emotions. The scars are a physical reminder of the emotional scars. I can't give you any clinical advise here since I am not your counselor, but you NEED to tell your counselor, Jasmine. I agree with all the posts you've received on this thread. God is mighty to save and He is your deliverer, but I understand that it's hard to "just quit" and that's why you need accountability. Face to face accountability. Others are right when they say you are never alone and Jesus does weep for those who weep. Satan is lying to you, Jasmine and I'm angry with him over this epidemic of cutting. Please tell your mom and your counselor. You need to have your mom remove all sharp objects around the house and be honest if there are any hidden anywhere. I love you as my sister in Christ and I will be in prayer along with all the others. Jesus is mighty to save and you can do ALL things in Christ Jesus!

[Daisy 0]

Great Post Shan!

[Jasmine 0]

It's not that I can't, i just don't want to. BTW: when Jason found out he was sobbing. He was angry too. He's drinking again. I think he might confront me. I hope he does.

[Shan 1]

Oh, ok. A lot of people who cut do so in spurts. Like they may not feel the need to for a while, then pressure builds up and they cut again. That's just been my experience, but I know you can't put everyone in a box. Thanks for sharing Jasmine :)

[Jasmine 0]

That's so true, Shan! I use cutting to deal with stress at school and with other stuff too. I had cut myself because I was going back to school.

[Jasmine 0]

In the psych-ward. Going to the mental hospital. Pray I get the help I need. Everyone knows about the cutting.

[Grey Butterfly 0]

Jesus thank you that Jasmine has told people who are in a position to help her. Well done Jasmine, you have shown strength again.

I pray that they will give her the help she needs! Please touch her and lift her and heal her Jesus.

Jasmine, I will keep praying for you...

Bless you,

[Daisy 0]

Praise God Jasmine! I am so proud of you for telling people who can help you!! I know that must have been very hard to do!! You are so brave! Im believing for God to deliver you completely, so that you never cut again!! God has so many wonderful things in store for you in your future!!!

[Shan 1]

Lord, I thank you that Jasmine is in capable hands. You never leave us or forsake us. I come into agreement with everyone else and am believing for her FULL deliverance and recovery!

Love you Jasmine!

[Jasmine 0]

I'm out of the hospital!

[Shan 1]

Praise the Lord! Do you feel you have the tools you need now? Good support system?

[Jasmine 0]

I am totally and completely better!

[Shan 1]

Great Jasmine! Lots of people here have been praying for you!!!

[Jasmine 0]

I know! Thanks all of you!

[piano 0]

But that's not why I continue to cut. I feel it is because I find my identity in my depression, anxiety and cutting. I find who I am in my disease. I feel that people will see how strong I am. It's as if my problems make me who I am.

Hi Jasmine,

I may not be someone you know, but when I read this, it reminded me of my daughter who has the same issue with cutting, anxiety and depression.

It came to light when she stayed at a friends house and her friend told the school counselor. Bringing it to light was very painful for her. She didn't want me and her dad to know..I never dreamed she was hurting herself in this way...I am sharing this because I want you to have hope.
She is now free from cutting for almost 6 months, and is in counselling, a place where she can talk about her worries and struggles freely. There have been some very upsetting things happen within our family over the past few years, and she has a tendancy to carry heavy burdens in that area as well as for her friends, and strangers.
She has always been this way.

I on the other hand, am still in the spiritual battle because yes, I believe there is some form of deception involved that is set up in the mind regarding self harm and fear.

My daughter has a calling on her life and I am certain that you do as well. The enemy of our souls will plant as many seeds as possible to change the calling...but He cannot.
For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. Romans 11:29.

I was not given the opportunity to serve Him at a young age.
I did not know Christ until much sorrow and sin inflicted me when I came to Him when I was 27 years old. Please know just how much your parents love you. Please know how much He loves you. Allow Him to draw you back into His protective wing away from the world, that He may receive Glory, and that your joy in who you are in Him, will return.

He has given you to His Body as a gift to encourage, strengthen and bring joy to its members.

Much love,

Piano


P.S.

I had not read the last few entries here..Im so glad to know you feel better.