I messed up

[Christa 0]

IRL: My husband and I are separated, but not legally. He has been very nice to me for the last couple of weeks and he kept saying he was a changed man and so forth. Well, he's been acting like the old Todd today and I lost it and screamed at him. I even cussed him out and hung up on him. I told him that I had a restraining order on him as well--->I had a temporary restraining order on him which ends tomorrow that allowed him no visitation. However, I never served him the order because my dad told me not to, so he was allowed to see her whenever he wanted. My dad wanted me to hide it from him and serve him at the very last minute. I agreed, but now I've passed the time allowance. After I told him I had a restraining order on him, he said that he was going to retaliate somehow and get friends to help him with lawyers. I talked him out of that and promised him that nothing was going to be done about the restraining order, that it was a "just in case" sort of thing (which is what it turned out to be). He seems more calm, but the tension is still there. He's still angry at me for getting it in the first place.

Because my husband promised to be nice and sweet from now on and his actions were proving it until today, we talked about getting back together, but slowly. I would go up on the weekends and stay at my folk's house during the week. The problem is, he thinks that because I don't have a job now (I quit last week because my boss is in trouble with the DA, so I had to go), that I'm ready to move back in with him full time. I even told him maybe, but honestly, I'm not ready, at least today.

I don't think God wants me to divorce this man.

I had a dream during a nap today. I was in my car and my daughter was in the backseat. My foot slipped on the brake peddle and I had to recover my foot and brake quickly. Violet was a little jolted, but she was fine. I was jolted too because I almost hit a blue minivan in front of me. A lady cop was right behind me and pulled me over. I rolled down my window, but she wasn't interested in me really. She was concerned about my daughter. She tried to open the backseat door to check on Violet, but the door was obstructed somehow and she could only crack it. I told her that I was glad to see her (the cop) because "I lost my footing and I was pretty jolted by the experience." She kept saying, "huh" and "what," like she really didn't care. Then she started calling my car in like she didn't trust that I was a good mom. I was scared that they were going to take Violet away from me.

This dream really scared me. Mia's dictionary says that what happens in your car usually happens in your waking reality. I consistently pray for my husband and my situation. I love Jesus, but I'm so tired of praying about this part of my life. I wish that my husband would divorce me and move far away, so that I could move on with my life. I don't want to work on my marriage. I don't have the desire when I've had only two good weeks with him (these have probably been the best two weeks of our entire marriage btw). I really don't think God wants me to divorce or even separate from this man permanently. I don't understand that whatsoever. The words, "I hate you," came out of my mouth today towards my husband. I need prayer, but I thought I'd put this in the dream section. Maybe I'll put it in both. Please help me pray because I seriously don't have the energy to do this anymore with this man.

[lola21st 2]

Hi Christa -

I will keep you all in prayer.

I want to add one thing and I hope you receive it in the manner that it is meant, I only say it from having been there....what you experienced today is the cycle of abuse. The abusive spouse after an incident will be on their best behavior for a short period and become more like the person that you fell in love with and enjoy. Unfortunately, that is often a facade and the current person resurfaces over time, usually during a moment of stress/pressure that they can't handle. Don't allow yourself to become vulnerable and entertain a reconciliation at this point, not after two weeks. God may not want you to divorce him or separate permanently but God also doesn't want you nor your daughter (and actually nor your husband) to live in an abusive environment devoid of peace, kindness, love, joy, self-control, patience, gentleness, goodness and faithfulness.

You cannot base a reconciliation on a PROMISE to do better, you absolutely have to wait until you see a solid, significant, SUSTAINED change in your husband's behavior (i.e., like for a minimum of 3-6 months) before you even consider living with him again whether part-time or full-time. You have to be confident that you and Violet will be safe and two weeks is not nearly enough time to establish that. Have you found a counselor yet? I know alot has been going on but please, please, please try to get a counselor, someone who isn't in the situation and who can help you process through the issues that you face. If your husband hasn't sought counseling or some other form of intervention, it doesn't make sense to discuss a reconciliation at this stage because he hasn't acknowledged a problem, hasn't determined the root causes of his issues so that he can address them and be healed of them, isn't equipped with tools to handle and prevent the behaviors and he hasn't been tested through real life situations that show that he can keep his cool under pressure. With this being the case, why would you want to put your daughter in that situation again? Again, I apologize if I sound harsh, just want to be sure you've thought this through soberly and not emotionally....

[Christa 0]

Thank you so much. I needed to hear that too. I really did. I might go to the court hearing anyway tomorrow and explain to the judge what happened and see what he says. Maybe he'll have some insight for me too. Thanks again for all of your help.

[dreamster 0]

go lurdys im totaly wiv u,,

[HisLightbeam 0]

I agree with Lola, Christa. Not because I feel what she is saying is right, and it is. But I have seen this so many times, that I am surprised that I have not grown impervious to it. Especially since I come from a state where 50% (how startling is that!) of all domestic abuse situations end by death of a spouse/partner. Shocking, huh? I am tired but not impervious to it. I have found that the more I encourage the victim to be an advocate for themselves, the more they become an advocate for the abuser. It is an odd symbiotic relationship, and deadly. You can go on like this literally for months or years. A couple of months ago, I believe I mentioned it on an earlier post, a woman whose husband was a deputy sheriff, and whose father-in-law was the police chief. The husband had a restraining order on him. He ended up killing her and himself, and would have got the children, if they had been at the store with their momma. It is popular as white rice over here. Believe that. All I can say is you have the decision of life and death (and I don't only mean that in the literal common sense, but also spiritual, financial, and mental anguish can feel like death) in your own hand. Just do what the Lord is telling you to do. If you have a tiny piece of glass embedded in your hand, and you cannot get it out yourself, you go to the doctor so that it is surgically removed. Why? Because you know that even though it is going to hurt more right now to heal from the surgeons incision, it will keep you from being hurt dramatically worse later. Why ? Because glass could cause a worse problem down the road. Hope that made sense. Dear, have a good night. Listen to wisdom.

[Cholette 0]

Violet is the MOST important person here because she has no choice in the matter. She has a father who needs help and I'm sorry to say...you do too Christa. God gave you stewardship to raise her up in a safe and Godly environment and you even considering going back after two weeks of "good behavior" saddens me.

You should seek counsel because the Bible says there is safety in the multitude of counsel. Going back without seeking help for YOU is useless. You need to be strengthened...right now you are in love with the man you married...the person he is now is NOT the same person.

As you all know by now...I speak quite bluntly and I say it with love and concern in my heart for you so please don't take this personal...I'm like Lightbeam...I've seen the outcome of this type of situation TOO much. We can pray, we can give you advice and we can even take you by the hand and help you, but the ultimate decision will be you. If you are entertaining the idea of going back, then you probably will...that will be your decision...I promise you that things will go back to the way they were and worst if you do...it's a cycle and it won't stop until YOU stop.

Much love to you and I pray you heed to what has been said here. Lurdys has given you advice from being in the situation so hopefully you can hear her.

[Christa 0]

I'm too burned out to be angry Cholette, which kind of scares me. I muster up strength by re-directing my anger usually. I can't even be angry. I'm just weak, tired, and fatigued. God hates divorce and I hate myself, that's all I can think. Why would I do something that God hates. He doesn't even permit divorce, only for certain circumstances, and abuse isn't one of them. I may never go back to live with Todd, which may push him into adultery, which will in turn show probable cause for a divorce....but is that what God wants? It says in the Bible that if we have to leave, it should only be for a short time, then come back together. I don't know.

What I do know is that my daughter can't be put in the middle of this. That's one thing I do know. So, I can't go there. I can't reconcile. I have to get a divorce and displease God or else I'm a bad mother. My choice is that I'm either a bad mother, or a bad Christian. That's what I'm hearing in my head and from so many people. It might not be said that way, but that's how it feels. I have my first divorce STILL hanging over my head and it's been a decade. Now, a second divorce? Ahhh man, this completely sucks. I must be the biggest idiot in the freakin' universe to even think that I could get married again and have a happy marriage. I'm depressed and I can't sleep well. It's not that I don't appreciate what's been said. I do. I just feel like the dichotomy in my mind on whether to divorce or not hasn't been addressed in a way that I can understand it. I don't want to hurt God any more than I already have.

[dreamster 0]

ur putting ur self in ur own electrik chair an pulling the lever, :eek: :eek: ,sure gods not keen on divorce,,but hes less keen on battered woman an kids wiv scared memorys that repeat the cycle,,dont become anutha statistik becos of one scripture verse,,im not telling u off ,,im not angrey,,im really conerned 4 u,, D,,,u hav2 change ur thinkin on this,,

[Christa 0]

I'll try. I really will.

[dreamster 0]

:cute:

[Cholette 0]

I think the church has this whole divorce thing screwed up. Do we honestly think that God would allow divorce ONLY when someone commits adultry and make someone stay in a marriage where there is abuse? We have to put the Bible in it's proper context. We have to pay attention to the time frame of the Bible. All these things were said in the gospels...prior to the death of Christ. We are NOT bound to the law any longer and those rules regarding divorce DO NOT exist any longer. Think about it...we serve a God of love. Read 1 Corinthians 13 (the love chapter) and see God's definition of love and tell me that God would want you to stay in a marriage of abuse. To say that he does, would say that God lied regarding what love really means. If someone isn't treating you according to THAT scripture...or at least working on it...you need to make some changes.

You have to get to a point where you make decisions for you and Violet and let people say what they need to say. You are NOT a bad mother...you are NOT a bad christian...those are condemning thoughts and they are not of God.

[Christa 0]

You know what, you're right Cholette. When you wrote about the love chapter..God put that on my heart the other day in regards to my husband. I feel like my husband and I have been unequally yoked. Maybe in God's eyes a human divorce is like an annulment when we're unequally yoked. What does light have to do with darkness anyway? I'm going to do what I can today to get the fee waiver for a divorce.

I found out this morning that I can still go before the judge today and ask for a continuance on the Temporary Restraining Order so that I can obtain legal assistance.

Please everyone......please pray that the judge has mercy on me and grants me the continuance. I can reapply for the TRO if he doesn't grant it, but that's a lot of work. I'm going to court in about an hour. Thank you for your continued prayers.

[princessdelia 0]

Praying4 u Christa i sincerely feel ur pain and need u to understand we serve a living God who is holding u up. Take ur burdens to Him

[Cholette 0]

Amen Christa!!!!! God has you! Good word Princessdelia...

[Christa 0]

Well, the judge granted me the continuance. I picked up divorce papers as well with a fee waiver so that I won't need to pay the court fees to file (some $350- they say). So, I have the temporary restraining order on him for another month as long as he gets served. I'm going to get that done right away. I have a couple of things I need to pick up from the house we shared, but not much.

I thank God that the continuance was granted with ease. I didn't even need to go before the judge. I'm still at a critical point though, because I'm severly depressed about this.

Thank God that He's in control and that He'll hide my daughter and I and protect us. I know it's a victory that I got the continuace, but I'm having a hard time rejoicing. I'm incredibly sad. I don't know what's going to happen next.

I have a praise report though. I got another job. I quit that crusty law firm about 3 days ago and God got me into a new place making the same double portion blessing amount as before. Glory to God! Thank God that He provides all of our needs according to His riches! I'm pleased with that.

Thank you all for your support. Please hold my husband in prayer. I don't want him to kill himself or anything. He's told me that he would do that. So, please pray for him too. Thanks everyone.

[lola21st 2]

Thank you all for your support. Please hold my husband in prayer. I don't want him to kill himself or anything. He's told me that he would do that. So, please pray for him too. Thanks everyone.

Christa -

That is great news! One comment thought...please make finding a Christian counselor your new top priority. You've admitted that you're depressed and your final statement quoted above suggests that you're still vulnerable (maybe co-dependent) and may be thinking emotionally at a time when you have to think rationally. You need now to focus on you and Violet and you need an objective place where you can go to talk about your issues/fears/anger/questions and receive assistance to process through these things as well as receive the tools that you need to cope and move forward in an emotionally healthy way.

Now of course we'll pray for your husband and I don't want to suggest that his suicide threats aren't real (I pray that's not the case), but I will share with you that over the course of my separation/divorce, my ex threatened suicide, murder (mine), broke into our home (that's when I got the restraining order, should've done it earlier looking back), claimed he was bipolar, claimed he had a physiological chemical imbalance, claimed he had a brain tumor, claimed he had heart palpitations, and claimed he had an ulcer (ok, that one turned out to be true). All of these statements were made in an attempt to manipulate me emotionally and make me go back to him. The intent was to make me feel guilty for 'causing' these things to happen to him (of course, he bore no responsibility for any of it). Counseling will help you discern what is real versus what is manipulation and will help you understand the psychological/emotional process that your husband is going through so that you can anticipate his actions and respond appropriately to a given situation....

[dreamster 0]

hmmm thats him bein a control freak,,dont take it on board,,hes tryin 2 manipulate u,, stand firm sweety,, ur makin progress,, D

[HisLightbeam 0]

Christa wrote:

I'm too burned out to be angry Cholette, which kind of scares me. I muster up strength by re-directing my anger usually. I can't even be angry. I'm just weak, tired, and fatigued. God hates divorce and I hate myself, that's all I can think. Why would I do something that God hates. He doesn't even permit divorce, only for certain circumstances, and abuse isn't one of them. I may never go back to live with Todd, which may push him into adultery, which will in turn show probable cause for a divorce....but is that what God wants? It says in the Bible that if we have to leave, it should only be for a short time, then come back together. I don't know.

What I do know is that my daughter can't be put in the middle of this. That's one thing I do know. So, I can't go there. I can't reconcile. I have to get a divorce and displease God or else I'm a bad mother. My choice is that I'm either a bad mother, or a bad Christian. That's what I'm hearing in my head and from so many people. It might not be said that way, but that's how it feels. I have my first divorce STILL hanging over my head and it's been a decade. Now, a second divorce? Ahhh man, this completely sucks. I must be the biggest idiot in the freakin' universe to even think that I could get married again and have a happy marriage. I'm depressed and I can't sleep well. It's not that I don't appreciate what's been said. I do. I just feel like the dichotomy in my mind on whether to divorce or not hasn't been addressed in a way that I can understand it. I don't want to hurt God any more than I already have.

Hmm. I feel so badly for you. I just want to say that yes, God hates divorce, but He also hates it when people hurt other people. You are right, there are ccrtainly extinuating circumstances for which God allows. Adultery, obviously, but also, if a man puts his wife away and does not want her. If he abandons his role as a husband. If he rejects her because of the Gospel. Let's see which one you fit in. I am trying to show you why you don't need to fall under condemnation. Because Cholette is hitting the nail on the head. Everything else is just to drive the point home.
I Corinthians 7:¹⁰To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. ¹¹But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
¹²To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. ¹³And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. ¹⁴For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
¹⁵But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. ¹⁶How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

I do not advocate divorce, but what I am saying is that when a man abandons his role as a lover, caretaker, prophet, priest, and provider to his wife, then he has already walked away, and made himself more important. I am not saying that God won't work it out, but you will never know how He can, if you won't trust Him to receive this care and begin to work on Todd for you. A person cannot change another person. Only God can effect a change in a person's heart. A soft heart can be moulded. A hard heart only gets harder. I pray that Todd receive a heart transplant, get a new heart. One that will hear the Lord. I know that it hurts and is depressing. I think that you are pretty brave and courageous to do what you have to do for your child and yourself.

[lola21st 2]

Amen!

[HisLightbeam 0]

Hi-five, me, Lola. lOL. i want you to know today, Christa, that the Lord honors marriage. It doesn't matter if you decide to marry the most diabolical dude in the world. God would honor that. But He also has made a way of escape, not as an excuse, but as legitimately merciful ways to get back to where you can have peace and grow in grace and godliness. Todd is not your enemy, but he is being used by the enemy. Until he comes into his right mind, he is the wrong one. One day I am going to tell my story to you when you have time.

[Dove-Solutions 0]

Christa,

I would like to state that I totally agree with all of the comments so far. I have been exactly where you are now. I speak in love from experience. Do not go back to the house. Do not collect your things. Just go. Leave it and him behind. Call on Jesus to give you the strength you need to do the things you need to do. Protect you and your daughter. There are agencies that will help you if you need it.

I lived with an abusive husband for 5 years and many times I thought I would not live to tell the story. It took a court order and 5 brothers with base ball bats to get me out. We were fortunate in that no one was hurt but he stalked me for several months after. When they come to the point of abuse they are sick in the spirit. They continue to stay that way until they get help which is in the Lord. Most sadly never get that help because they are distracted by the enemy. Paul said we fight not against the flesh but against the spirit. You however have that help in the Lord. He is your strong defense. Your ever present help in time of need. The Lord has prepared you for this time. Nothing is by accident. He is letting you see the truth. God does not want us to be beaten down by our husband. We are to be there helpmate. To walk along side them. They are to love us like Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. Please prayerfully consider my thoughts.

Love in Jesus,

Connie

[Cholette 0]

Let me just say that I'm honored to be around women who have a story to tell. I've never had to live in an abusive relationship, but I've known people who have. It blesses my heart to be among women who have overcome such tragedy, with the help of the Lord. I just would like to applaud Lurdys and Connie (and any others I may have missed) for sharing your experiences and advice here. To God Be the Glory!!!!!!

[Guest Guest]

The month that we are now in, Elul, is the key to unlocking the inner and most potent meaning of the heart. As is well known, the Hebrew letters that make the word “Elul,” an aleph, lamed, vav and lamed, are an acronym for the phrase (from the biblical Song of Songs): Ani L’dodi V’dodi Li, which means, “I am to my beloved and my beloved is to me.”
at the beginning of Elul we are achor el achor meaning “back to back” and by the end of Elul we are panim el panim meaning “face to face.” But how can it be that we are back to back?
The fact that we are described as back to back and then face to face is an incredible lesson. Often, when we feel angry, hurt, abandoned, whatever the root of our pain may be, we turn our back. When our back is turned, we have no idea of the state of the other. And it is often easier to believe that we are not the only one with a turned back. It is easier to think the other also turned around, that the other isn’t facing us at all, because if that is the case, then even if we turn around it won’t help, so why bother. Why make that first move only to turn around and see the back of the other?
But this rationalization is the cause of many unsettled arguments, hurt feelings, and broken relationships. How classic is the scene, played out endlessly
It is the month of Elul that teaches us the necessity of being willing to turn around. The King is in the field, our Creator is there, and no matter how we may feel, He has never had His back turned. All we need to do is turn ourselves around to realize that He is there and waiting for us. The “back to back” that we experience in the beginning of the month is based on our misperceptions, our fears, our assumptions. Only when we turn around do we realize the truth, the inner essence, and then we are “face to face” which does not only mean that we can finally look at each other, but more so, that we can look in each other, for the root of the word for face, panim, is the same as pnimiyut, which means “innerness.”
Usually at the beginning of Elul we are back to back but at the end we are face to face.
I am praying for you my Sister,this are Moedim or God's appointed times.
The King is in the field and He is more easy to approach.
Ask the Lord and He shall answer you.
May the Lord Bless You and Keep You.

[newleaf 0]

Praying for you and Violet.May God bless and guide you! I am so happy you got a new job!