Oldfart

strokes

Started in Nottm about 2.30 but not really settled yet

And the same blokes selling a streetfighter headlight assembly for £17.00 dream on bullwinkle!!!

Itchy....Mk2 Bandit 600 & Suzuki Vstrom 1000 Rose...Mk2 Honda CBF1000F Day101...GSXR 600 SRAD Gazman...Mk1 600 bandit Davehutch...Mk1 1200 bandit & BSA b40 & B-King Tubthumper...MK1 600 Bandit bfg...GSXR 750 WR & CB450DX Fr499y... Z1000, KTM 950 SM, XJ 600 Diversion & occasionally FJR 1300 Stuell Mk1 B12 Rizla blue Dick65..YZF1000R Yamaha Thunderace. MADSOD RF 900 & GSXR 1000 K3 stantheman 1250 bandit streetmoto...Triumph Scrambler & Yamaha Fzs600 Fazer sweban...bandit 1250,intruder 1400,GSX 1400 & FZ8 dandan...Triumph Daytona 675 & mk1 b6 richg....mk1 600 bandit & honda c90c & honda vision & honda pc50 onslow yamaha xjr1300 Macie_UK...Triumph TT600 Darkember...VTR F2 Firestorm BanditMike....Mk 2 B12 (sometimes borrow the sons VTR ) Trebor4460... Mrk1 1200 Bandit Firehawk... Your Missus Flange..Hornet 900 Nickerbelly...Kawasaki ZZR1100 D1 Chadatious... Suzuki SV650N Andynec...gsx1400/Yam R1 bladerunner...Ducati 1098 and GSXR 1000K2 track bike Louismanx... TDM900 & occasional Neos50 (when my wife allows me) Gavlar1200... Mk2 1200 bandit Tony Nitrous...B-King, Bandit 12, GSX1100ET, Hayabusa Streetfighter. goferit...........Sprint,1050 S.T. + T100 Bonneville steph42........89 yamaha fzr 1000 exup, 93 honda cbr600 erion edition Gravelrash... MK2 Bandit 1200SK5 Fuzzy139...... Honda CB400SF 1992 TheBiker46.....Triumph ST1050 + Yamaha XJ600

conductor

Keep clear of the exhaust emissions!!!

*British Hospitals - True Stories* 1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.. Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath 3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a *'massive internal fart.' * Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp. 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St .. Clair , Norfolk General 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered 'Well, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary. 7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . .'Keep off the grass' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry .. .. . had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Heard yesterday that Boots the chemist are going to make condoms in packets of four. They want to be one jump ahead of their competitors. My mate said he wanted to buy some condoms. I said 'have you tried boots?' He said 'yes but it comes out the laceholes' My girl friend buys her knickers at C and A. That way she knows which way to put them on!

Never thought of that, well spotted

Nice bike and 10000 cc on tap wow!

No gloves either but at least she's facing the right way!

'But it holds my ponytail better Officer!'

Have a good 'un

Same here worn specs all my biking life 50+ years. Had no problem you get used to it but the advice above is sound

Like it

Due to her husbands restless sleeping a couple decided to try twin beds. One evening the couple fancied a bit of nooky, so the wife tiptoed across to her husbands bed. On her way she stubbed her toe on the bedside table. The husband said ' Ah bless, did my little angel stubb her toe. Let me make it better' After they had finished their liaison the wife was returning to her bed and on the way stubbed her toe again. The husband said 'Thats right break yer bloody neck then!'

prank

surely not the five finger shuffle!!! Who directed that one? Probably Hugh Hefner!

surely not the five finger shuffle!!!

blonde

It used to be 'Roger Rabbit' (or should that be Rogering Rabbit!) Now a days it more like 'Jurrassic Park'

HOW TO SO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started.. ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

M O T

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