Oldfart

Made a note of number. Sounds like theyve been watching for the right moment for a while. Seems too pro to be a spur of the moment thing. Bastards

The wife's back on the warpath again - she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did, was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought. Sod it. I'll soldier on. I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered MacDonalds serve breakfast until 11.30. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, But the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired ......' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! 'This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up: 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. 'You hold the fork in the wrong hand. 'You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. 'And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN* On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Must go to Specsavers thought that said F-king not B-King!!!

I'd like to do some marshalling. Unruly kids in Morrisons!!! My son is a marshall. Not so much nowadays as he's into rock climbing

Didnt know speed guns had bullets. Must remember to duck next time! Now let me see, they are the armed response squad for emergency's. Putting the letters together we get A-R-S-E. Yep no argument there

And Ive just taxed, mot'd and insured my car. Wonder if I can find a raving nymphomaniac before I go

Think I should have put my ex missus on . They would have took pity on me and gave it me for free

I'm still here. Just back from smacking my balls down the golf club

Fancy the job of Transport Minister?

Vehicle makes aside. I suppose the caption could be 'failed attempt by Rossi to pass Michael Schumacher!'

This won't work until DVLA can improve the one month delay in updating the ANPR system, which is what the police use to verify this! Good idea, but more thought needs to go into this to make it work properly. Otherwise the courts will be backlogged with summonses for "driving without tax and insurance", simply because proof can't be provided within a seven day "producer" period?

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning. My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset ---- I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!

Many thanks folks. Off to smack my balls!!!! Down at the golf range!!

Fortunately dont need to. Single sided swinging arm But found this

TT full lap but if you look at the left corner you will see the names of the bends so you can get to know them and what they look like

I personally wouldnt use it. For the amount a bike uses its not worth getting the cheap stuff. Dont be tempted to go more than 50/50 as you can get what is known as silicate drop out which can block radiator/coolant tubes. If you top up use a mix of antifreeze and water.

The first one is good enough Dave. Funnily enough its just down the road from me.