Oldfart

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ... ____________________________________________________________ A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' _______________________________________________________________ Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ______________________________________________________________ A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' ______________________________________________________________ Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay. _____________________________________________________

Its times like this when I wish I was a paddock pass nestled between those puppies!!!

Always have done this. Its amazing the crud that gets in there. Use disc brake cleaner to flush them out rather than WD

Gallon of petrol and a match works for me!

R I P DJ brilliant rider Was part of the DJ Memorial lap at the TT. When DJ's mum and dad were in the leading car they were 13 miles out as the last bike crossed the start line on the Glencrutchry Road

A guy calls a Weight Loss company and orders their 5-day, 10 pounds weight loss programme. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there before him stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later after huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound programme. The next day, there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight, on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound programme. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day, there's a knock at the door and, when he opens it, he finds a huge, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch YOU, you're mine.' . . . . . He lost 63 pounds that week.

Yep but its a very expensive deoderant and getting it off is a right pain!

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...... A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

The advert says a thing of beauty!!!! Should've gone to specsavers

With all that space in the frame I thought that bit was just the starter motor

Revolution Show Interview

(Quote:Those slow mo clips are fantastic, shows how much work the bike does. no wonder its hard to set them up for over here. But amazing how many make it round 6 laps nowadays. Hats off) Brilliant, can't wait for June to come round. Just booked MCN Butlins weekend as well

A Triumph Thunderbird Storm or a Speed Triple 'R'

A young life taken so soon. R.I.P. Casey Also anyone read MCN about the biker being killed by a car driver? Dont buy a gun use a car you can get away with it!!!

Sad loss at such an early age. RIP

Got the datatool 4 alarm as Triumph recommended. Had it fitted at dealers. Works very well. Got lots of modes ie Service, ferry, immobilise only etc. Only pain is at petrol pumps as it immobilises itself after 45 secs so you have to have the fob handy to start up again. At home its anchored to the wall in two places with two massive chains and locks of Boron steel (will break the jaws of bolt cutters!) And its right outside my bedroom window!!

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits." She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

'Whats the definition of a Ratchet?' Answer 'like mouse sh*t only bigger!'

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, an old Sargeant and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're real beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

Done