Oldfart

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course.. The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; ... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater !! Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!! Well readers, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey

You could always instigate another 'Breakfast Run' Alan lol

Nice pics Alan

Mate had one in red. Always liked them

My girlfriend says that a small p*nis won't affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. "Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers." The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?" The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air." "Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"

Bloke looks at his new son and says to his missus 'Cant see what resembles either of us in him' She lifts her skirt and says 'look its a fanny not a fecking photocopier!'

Welcome to the forum mate

Same here Matt

Nice one Ross. Thanks

Well I've joined the club. I'm doing up a '98 XJ600 for my son as a winter bike and I put the keys safe when I went to the TT. Yep cant remember where I hid them Now faced with replacing the ignition, tank, seat and steering locks and my chain lock. Bloody old age

Happy Birthday Mrs Stue!

Margarine tubs. Always works for me lol

Same here

Lovely scenery

Thats well trick

Thats well nice

Spot on Mark. Couldn't agree more

Do you mean the bike or the Bird with the Small Arse

Great pics

Dont think those paintballers are very good shots Chad But whatever makes ya happy mate

Well said Robbie. Got to agree.

QUESTION: How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer? SCENARIO: You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. You are carrying your Police issued Glock pistol and you are an expert shot, however, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do? ANSWER: A British Police Officer: Firstly you consider the man's Human Rights. 1) Does the man look poor or oppressed? 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger? 4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 5) Am I dressed provocatively? 6) Could I run away? 7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings? 9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? 10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway - what kind of message does this send to society? 11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? 14) If I shoot and wound him, and then lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? Canadian Police Officer: BANG! American Police Officer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'... Reload... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Minutes later, your Sergeant and twenty six of your nearest colleagues arrive at the scene. They remark on your 'nice grouping.'

Got to be a good boy for a bit then